Monday, January 19, 2015

I've Never Been So Happy To See Jimmy Kimmel.

Another week, another 12,000 brain cells lost.

At least this week we have Jimmy Kimmel to shine a light on the idiocracy that is The Bachelor Franchise.

I'm sure you all have been counting down the minutes until tonight's new episode, waiting to see if Jillian the Body Builder will launch into a fit of roid rage, if Breakdances With Wolves will twerk her way into another Rose Ceremony, and if the alien inhabiting Onion Ashley's body will finally punch its way out of her stomach because its had enough of this crapola.

Jimmy's here to help Chris find the woman with the biggest heart, because he already knows who has the biggest boobs (himself). 

Look at those pectorals.
One-On-One Date #1

Kaitlyn (AKA Breakdances With Wolves) is up for the first solo date this week.


Say what you want but Costco is an incredibly romantic place. The aisles are littered with sample stations, cases of toothpaste to last you well into the next millennium, and Nutella jars the size of Gary Coleman.

After shopping for a dinner with Jimmy and rolling around in an inflatable hamster wheel, the pair awkwardly chortle and make out to the point where Dances' lipstick has stained the lower half of Chris' face and he looks like he just won a cherry pie eating contest, or is getting in touch with his feminine side. 

Color me crazy, but it seems that Dances is more into Jimmy than Chris. Maybe that's because she likes it when people openly mock her, but this gigglepuss needs to settle down.

Group Date

Chris, Jimmy, and the women head to a make-shift farm for this week's group date.

Cruise ship Singer Carly finally gets her day in the sun (or like, 5 minutes under a heat lamp) and is prepared to chug the thick, warm, sour milk of a goat for a chance to mack on Prince Farming.

No group date is complete without a competition. The tasks include shucking corn, catching chickens, cradling  eggs, milking the teat of a goat, and grappling with hogs.

This whole "challenge" is incredibly phallic and full of double entendres when you sit down and think about it.

Can we address what the hell is up with Olga From The Gym's (Jillian's) ass? Homegirl's badonk will have a censor bar over it for the duration of filming.

It's too quiet on the Onion Ashley front. Will she pop out of the ficus and massage someone's earlobes while Love Boat Carly holds back her lactose-intolerant vomit to boldly kiss Chris?

Chris continues to just snog every one of the women because he's a dude and Jimmy Kimmel is right, THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SHOW. 

You gotta shop around before you buy, ja feel? 

Becca is getting a lot of air time all of the sudden and completely blows her chances of sticking around by going in for the hug rather than a smooch, but she had her reasons and you have to respect that. And you have to totally love the face Onion Ashley made when Becca got that rose. 

One-On-One Date #2

Quit your bitching and helium-huffing, Whitney. You finally got a date... and you both are wearing the same shade of fluorescent dead flamingo pink. Match made in heaven. 

What a coincidence that after talking about how Chris is into beautiful, spontaneous women, there's a wedding going own down the hill and they're going to crash it. 

Chris: Okay, Whitney here's the deal. We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Whitney: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
Chris: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Whitney: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. 
They bullshit their way through the wedding, get chummy with the mother of the bride, blatantly lie about their identities and sneak a slow dance. Chris was so into it that he ran off and stole a rose from one of the flower arrangements and offered it to her. 

The Rose Ceremony

Ashley I might be the most pathetic basic bitch in the whole bunch. 
"I really wanted to do my Kardashian look tonight, and now I'm just going to have to look like the vapid waste of space I am on the inside."
 Oh wait- same thing then, right?

This girl is clearly used to getting everything her way so she throws a bitch fit when something doesn't work in her favor. 

This woman speaking about her late husband is so uncomfortable it should not be televised. I agree its a discussion she needs to have with Chris but not necessarily with the entire country as well. 

Miss Olympia Jillian is two margaritas away from putting Chris into a headlock and body slamming him into that hot tub. 

This week we say goodbye to Amber the Bartender who doesn't want to talk anymore, Nameless Brunette who is super supportive of the rest of the group, and Trina Who Bleaches Her Asshole. 

Next Week

Ashley I eats corn looking like she just lost a Kardashian look-alike contest and took some quaaludes to ease the pain. 

Can Jimmy come back every week? 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.