Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Jojo Has No Words Aside From "You Look So Good"

We're back at the Bachelorette Mansion. Weren't we just here? Can I go home now?

I enter this new season with one thought.

How many pretty people is Chris Harrison friends with?

Jojo preps for months of polygamist-style dating with some of her closest ABC network gal pals, all former Bachelorettes themselves.

Ali Fedotowksy (who did not stay with her chosen bachelor), Desiree Hartstock (pregnant with her first child with chosen bachelor), and Kaitlyn Bristowe (currently engaged to chosen bachelor) offer their words of wisdom.

Ali: "Figure out who you really like and ignore them for a week."

Kaitlyn: "Kiss all of them on the first night."

Des: "Bleach your asshole at least 3 days before the Fantasy Suite."

Will she heed their advice?

Do I even really care at this point?

I can already smell a problem with this season.

85% of these guys are really good looking.

And they 100% are aware of it.


Here they come.

Grant comes out of the limo and will from now on be known as Handsome Squidward.

Aaron Rodgers' brother is already a top contender.

Mainly because he has a FANTASTIC jaw line and an ass that won't quit.

Damn Daniel, you are awkward and bad at introductions.

And after further speculation, a gargantuan piece of shit.

Coley is disgusting and most likely serves the Dark Lord.

The "hipster" seems more like a surf bum to me, but maybe I'm too mainstream to differentiate.

Wells coming in strong with the barbershop quartet.

Pastor Evan found a way to lift peoples spirits and flimsy peens!


Daniel embarrasses himself with tiny underthings.

Will tries to go for a kiss and fails to stick the landing.

The Pianist (not Adrien Brody, but Ali) foreshadows a turn of events by stating "We don't need any other guys in this house."

And guess who walks in...

Well, well, well. It's Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor in 2010, and Bachelorette contestant in 2009).

Not familiar with Jake? His publicist also sensed this and shoved him onto the show to... JUST GIVE HER ADVICE?

*cough* RATINGS PLOY *cough*

"Chad seems like a big tough man but i can see there's this very soft side to him."

It's probably his penis.

This night is quickly taking a turn. (Belly)Buttons have been pushed at this cocktail party, and the drinks are flowing to the point where some guys may get carried out with the pinot current.


"Daniel will you accept this rose?"

Girl, are you okay? 

Do you need a nap?

Some water?

A playback of the night's shenanigans?


Robby (definitely maybe) has a girlfriend.

Aaron Rodgers' brother has an ego the size of Texas and everyone is jealous of him.

Chad is the new Olivia.

The Marine's hair cannot handle humidity.

I'm so down.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Jojo's League of (Subpar AF) Gentlemen

I know I don't really write here anymore because I have a job and a life and about 6 seasons of Nurse Jackie to get through on Netflix. But this batch of bachelors are BEGGING me to write this post.

In my opinion, Jojo has her work cut out for her this season. From what I've seen on the ABC Website, only a hand full of these guys seem even remotely promising.

Shall we meet some of them?

With his stressful job as "Hipster," we already know Brandon was into The Bachelorette before it was cool and is competing on this show ironically. He most definitely makes his own micro brew and has every Father John Misty album on vinyl "because it sounds better."

Judging by the name I thought ABC had messed up and accidentally casted a 12 year old girl who loves horses and writes fan fiction with centaurs and shit, but looks like it's just, well, this guy. 


Looks like Keith Urban had a baby with Billy Ray Cyrus and will get his achy breaky heart broken. 

The most Ben-looking bland man in the bunch. This could either freak Jojo out or keep him in the running until at least week 3.

James S.
Jimbo here says his occupation is "Bachelor Super Fan." He watches with his manicurist and Church group every week!

James Taylor

I'm not kidding. That's his actual name. He's seen fire. He's probably seen some rain. Did I mention he's coincidentally a singer-songwriter? Respect the ginger beard, but you know he's coming out of the limo with a guitar. 

James F.
Will last 3 hours into the first cocktail party where he will get sloppy drunk and a bit handsy before Chris Harrison himself will escort him off of the premises. Also, ew.

Nick S.
"Neckerchief Nick." That is all. 

Whether he be a prince (fabulous he, Ali Abawa) or strong as ten regular men (definitely), he could make it pretty far.

Voted Most Likely To Laugh Like John Travolta Playing Danny Zucko (and will probably get the First Impression Rose)

Good news Sandlot fans, Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez has come out of retirement, found the Fountain of Youth and joined this season of The Bachelorette

Coming in strong at 6' 2" (and a half) with Goodburger as his favorite movie.