Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Jojo Has No Words Aside From "You Look So Good"

We're back at the Bachelorette Mansion. Weren't we just here? Can I go home now?

I enter this new season with one thought.

How many pretty people is Chris Harrison friends with?

Jojo preps for months of polygamist-style dating with some of her closest ABC network gal pals, all former Bachelorettes themselves.

Ali Fedotowksy (who did not stay with her chosen bachelor), Desiree Hartstock (pregnant with her first child with chosen bachelor), and Kaitlyn Bristowe (currently engaged to chosen bachelor) offer their words of wisdom.

Ali: "Figure out who you really like and ignore them for a week."

Kaitlyn: "Kiss all of them on the first night."

Des: "Bleach your asshole at least 3 days before the Fantasy Suite."

Will she heed their advice?

Do I even really care at this point?

I can already smell a problem with this season.

85% of these guys are really good looking.

And they 100% are aware of it.


Here they come.

Grant comes out of the limo and will from now on be known as Handsome Squidward.

Aaron Rodgers' brother is already a top contender.

Mainly because he has a FANTASTIC jaw line and an ass that won't quit.

Damn Daniel, you are awkward and bad at introductions.

And after further speculation, a gargantuan piece of shit.

Coley is disgusting and most likely serves the Dark Lord.

The "hipster" seems more like a surf bum to me, but maybe I'm too mainstream to differentiate.

Wells coming in strong with the barbershop quartet.

Pastor Evan found a way to lift peoples spirits and flimsy peens!


Daniel embarrasses himself with tiny underthings.

Will tries to go for a kiss and fails to stick the landing.

The Pianist (not Adrien Brody, but Ali) foreshadows a turn of events by stating "We don't need any other guys in this house."

And guess who walks in...

Well, well, well. It's Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor in 2010, and Bachelorette contestant in 2009).

Not familiar with Jake? His publicist also sensed this and shoved him onto the show to... JUST GIVE HER ADVICE?

*cough* RATINGS PLOY *cough*

"Chad seems like a big tough man but i can see there's this very soft side to him."

It's probably his penis.

This night is quickly taking a turn. (Belly)Buttons have been pushed at this cocktail party, and the drinks are flowing to the point where some guys may get carried out with the pinot current.


"Daniel will you accept this rose?"

Girl, are you okay? 

Do you need a nap?

Some water?

A playback of the night's shenanigans?


Robby (definitely maybe) has a girlfriend.

Aaron Rodgers' brother has an ego the size of Texas and everyone is jealous of him.

Chad is the new Olivia.

The Marine's hair cannot handle humidity.

I'm so down.

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