Sunday, January 26, 2014

Did anyone else catch the "Queer as Folk" jab?

I know a lot of the people who read this blog are too busy watching The Bachelor's Hot Ass Sean and Catherine get married tonight to watch Downton Abbey. I can accept that. Just don't forget to come back after the recording ends on your DVRs.

They deserve each other.
This Week on Downton:

Bates' bullshit senses are tingling and the look on his face let's us all know he will find out exactly why Anna has been so cold lately. Will Mr. Bates go Patrick Bateman on everyone's ass for keeping this secret? Will Lord Gillingham's valet be road kill by the end of the episode?

There's a new ladies' maid in the house, and her name is Baxter.
Is she bad?
Is she good?
Is she only temporary?
Will she force Mrs. Patmore to accept the progression of technology?
Yo no se.
see what I did there?

While Isabelle wrestles with hiring a new gardener or something, Dr. Clarkson still hasn't gotten the hint that he has been banished to the Friend Zone.

Alfred channels his inner Julia Child as he prepares for his audition/try out/test round at the Ritz, while Lady Mary has a gentlemen caller who tries his very best not to just come out and say "You've been in my thoughts recently, and you're still super hot."

SURPRISE. Lady Edith is going to London again.

Mrs. Hughes drops the bomb on Bates about the dealio with his wife.
Did she break girl code?
Hell no- insert feminist rant here- because she shouldn't have kept the secret to begin with.

It's weird how british people say "lift" instead of "elevator", kinda like how Justin Bieber says "F***k Bill Clinton" instead of "I am a massive piece of shit."
Go change, your diaper first. 

If there is ever talk again of Branson and Little Sybie moving to America, I may have a conniption- unless there is a spin-off show named after the street they live on in bustling 1920's USA.

I just realized that the boy Isabelle hired to do...whatever job she hired him to do, is named "Young Peg."
What adolescent lad is named "Peg"?
And pre-fixed with the word "young" no less.
I'll show you a "Young Peg"...

Next week it seems that Edith's beloved Mr. Gregson has disappeared from London...and joined the Nazi Party? Am I even in the correct historical time period?
He's probably hanging from a tree by the straps of his Leiderhosen, chugging a Beck's.

Monday, January 20, 2014

"You had me at 'You fill my brain'."

The drama at Downton has been turned up to 11.
So I guess I got what I asked for.

Between Edna threatening to trap Branson with a hypothetical love/roofie child, and Mary being proposed to after 3 days I really do feel like I've been transported into an episode of One Tree Hill.

Everyone is suspecting that something is wrong with Anna because for once she is the one with something to hide and apparently Mrs. Hughes is the keeper of secrets. In this episode Anna, Branson, and Mr. Carson confide in Mrs. Hughes about their respective problems; each one worse than the previous. The woman should start her own "Dear Abby"  column in the local newspaper- if only we knew her real first name.

Jimmy and Ivy finally macked but sad, gangly Albert walked in on them. Daisy is so thirsty for Albert it's getting ridiculous- even Mrs. Patmore told her to roll her tongue back into her mouth.
Could this Ritz training program be Albert's ticket out of Downton?
Could it be Daisy's as well?
Did she ever accept that offer from William's father to run the farm?

Let's see what else happened this week...Edna got clingy and manipulative, Rose might be into black guys, Mr. Carson has a soul, Thomas is still a dick, Jimmy seems cracked out, Lady Edith wore that hideous orange and blue frock again after she shacked up with Mr. Gregson. EDITH SHACKED UP WITH MR. GREGSON.

Yeah, actually. 
Aunt Rosamund called her out for sneaking into the flat at around 6 AM, and Edith was offended by her slut shaming. But come on, Edith- The man is moving to Germany in a week, he obviously wants to get into your knickers before he is stuck in the land of sausage.

Auntie Roz should be more concerned with Rose's date who got shmacked at the dancing club and was basically throwing around the poor girl like a rag doll.

super turnt up
Anna and Bates are in a tiff- because apparently this is now a Lifetime movie where Anna is the teenage victim who thinks the entire situation is her fault. Mrs. Hughes is the character usually played by Marcia  Gay Harden or post-nose job Jennifer Grey, who comforts the victim and pleads with them to tell the police or go to the doctor. Basically Anna is continuing to shut out Mr. Bates and mope about the house- even Lady Grantham is noticing.

Mary and Tony want each other- they want each other BAD. But Mary is still deeply in love with Matthew.

Sigh.... aren't we all?
She can't move on yet. Although her facial expression totally screamed "You had me at 'You fill my brain.'"

I sense Tony will be coming back- hopefully he won't bring his valet... or his other girlfriend.

and if they do...

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Dames and Drama at Downton

After live-tweeting last week's Downton Abbey season premiere, I felt the need to blog again.
Will this be the same as by Bachelor and Bachelorette posts?
I don't think so.
You may be thinking "But Marnie, WHY THE HELL NOT?"
I'll tell you why not- my IQ and dignity are at stake if I spend 2 hours watching that crap, as is all of yours.
I can't rip on Downton like I rip on the Bachelor.
I mean come on people, this is an award-winning television program.
From England.
Starring Dame Maggie Smith.
I can't just make fun of Dame Maggie Smith.
I mean she's DAME MAGGIE SMITH, for sobbing out loud.

Can I nominate her to receive the elixir of life and be forever immortal?

I don't have that kind of jurisdiction?

Well that is pure poppy-cock.

This week on Downton Abbey, there's a big shindig going on and everyone is running around like a Beyonce just dropped another surprise album.

Poor Mrs. Patmore worried herself into a legitimate heart attack that was kind of glossed over in the wake of Branson trying to not sound like a total knob when conversing with the Duchess of Cougaring.

Thomas was a dick, as per usual. I get physically uncomfortable whenever Thomas is around. It's like when I cut my fingernails too short or my sock is half way off of my foot inside of my boot.

I don't see where Jimmy's plot line is going. Actually, I do know where it goes- to the pub where Ivy gets super turnt up while Alfred Charlie Brown sulks in the corner and Daisy sweats desperation into the prepared luncheon. Other than that I'm waiting for Jimmy to admit he's totally for dudes or get addicted to pain killers while his hand heals.

As for the upper-crusters, Lord and Lady Grantham are entertaining a whole mess of snobby people for a reason that is totally unclear and lost to me because, frankly, I'm preoccupied with Lady Mary being such a Debbie Downer. Take a man pill, Mare. We all feel the loss of beloved Matthew but now there's a new beefcake in town and she can get back in the ring. I'm not saying she needs to get back in the dating game to be an interesting character- I'm saying she needs to go back to being fierce, sassy and kind of a bitch because that's the Mary we know and love. Take a note from Queen Bey.

There's an Australian Opera singer involved in here somewhere and Carson totally dissed her and didn't initially invite her to dinner with the rest of the party. Robert only tolerated her presence when she started chatting him up about wine.

During the concert scene, Anna deals with the tension from earlier in the episode where a guest's butler was getting a little too friendly with her and Bates was like "WTF, Anna?" After complaining about a headache, Anna goes to get something to make her feel better and- to my absolute shock and dismay- gets cornered by the seedy butler in the kitchen and brutally beaten (and I'm assuming, raped). This had to be the most disturbing and upsetting thing to happen on the show. Yes, even worse than Sybil and Matthew dying in the same season. The entire scene made me want to vomit.

After swearing Mrs. Hughes to secrecy, Anna cleans herself up and puts on a happy face for her husband, who she can't tell about the incident because he would straight up murder the sick son of a bitch and go back to the clink. Bates can't go back to prison because then his storyline would get even more boring than that first time he was sent to prison.

Speaking of boring- *coughs* Lady Edith *coughs*

Where is the character development?
So she learned to drive a car. BIG DEAL.
She got jilted at the alter and is dating another senior citizen.
She dresses terribly and still detests her sister and never has anything remotely interesting to say except "I'm going into London again" and "Father will learn to like you, I promise."

You know what would be great- an unexpected pregnancy or elopement. Hell- I'd be cool with Mr. Gregson deciding to join the likes of the Third Reich once moving to Dusseldorf if it meant boosting this plot line.
I'm just saying it would be interesting

I need this show to maintain its regal manner but with a dash of CW Prime Time drama to keep it enticing. I think Edna sneaking into Branson's room at night covers that, don't you think?

I also need Granny to continue to be fabulously sassy.