Monday, March 9, 2015

Wake Me Up When It's Over.


Bachelor Chris is back in a snow-covered Iowa, which is only slightly more depressing than regular Iowa.

Whitney Meets the Fam

Whitney is first at bat with The Family Soules.

Right out of the gate she lets them know she's a fan of the show, and their beloved Prince Farming by extension.

The Sisters sit down with Whit and listen to her spiel about babies and corn and not having a lower vocal register.

When comparing the two remaining women, Chris says a few nice things about Whitney and stumble mumbles his way through a grocery list of things he loves about Becca.

"I love the way he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, even though he's dating someone way hotter than me."

After "The Future Mrs. Soules" heads back to her hotel, the men gather around in the audaciously masculine tool shed/garage to talk about Chris' feelings.

Becca Has To Measure Up

Becca definitely has her work cut our for her with Chris' family after Whitney The Good Witch swooped in on her magic bubble.

She may be making Mama Soules pee her pants with laughter about life in a small town, but she literally says she's not ready to move, let alone go M.A.C.H. 3 through a cornfield into a relationship with this stuttering boob.

QUESTION(S): Why has there been absolutely no conversation about Chris moving out of Iowa? Why do the women need to uproot their lives for a guy they've been dating for about 6 weeks? Why do they have to profess their undying love for him when he can't even tell them he loves them a little? Why is there still a gender wage gap? Why is a girl who sleeps around a slut while a guy is a stud? Why are there no stand-alone female superhero movies? WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW?

After an intense discussion with Becca about her feelings, Chris and Whitney drive through miles of unharvested starch with forced laughter and awkward, jittery, excitement.

At this point all of America knows Chris is going to pick Whitney. But then Host Chris Harrison's comment about a twist from the beginning of the show snaps back into our minds.

Whitney says she knows what Chris is thinking when she looks into his eyes.

You're guilting me into choosing you. I wonder if Becca gets bikini waxes. I can't believe Walt dies at the end of Breaking Bad. 

Decision Time

The producer Chris chooses to propose to his future wife in a barn when it's 20 degrees outside. Conveniently this is where he raised his first pig and definitely did some weird stuff with a goat.

There's a production assistant somewhere on the premises suffocating from the flaming hay bales that were placed too close to the space heaters.

He tells Becca she isn't ready so he has to go with Whitney. But she seems totally cool with it.

Whitney cries and snot rockets everywhere blah, blah, blah they're engaged.

This is the most anti-climactic finAHle ever, am I right?

After The Final Rose

They're still together.

Nobody cares.

Jimmy Kimmel got them a cow named Juan Pablo.

Onion Ashley is going to be on Bachelor In Paradise.

Britt AND Kaitlyn are both the next Bachelorette.

I don't know.


Monday, March 2, 2015

The Women Tell Us Nothing We Didn't Already Know

Why is Kelsey putting blush on her ears? What does Britt look like without makeup? Will I ever reclaim my dignity? These are questions that will hopefully be answered on tonight's Women Tell All Special.

The night opens with Chris Squared crashing Bachelor viewing parties around the greater Los Angeles area, making drunk women wet themselves, drop shot glasses, and confirm that this show brings out the worst in people.

Britt confronts Carly about the things said on camera, and everyone else on stage feels the need to talk over one another. This sounds like what might go on in a middle school guidance counselor's office, except everyone has way better eyebrows.

Chris Harrison steps in when Jillian gets "a little too jacked up." Pun intended? Definitely pun intended.

Carly says it all.

Britt is acting like an actress because, GUESS WHAT, a waitress in LA sells her soul to become EXACTLY THAT. 

Say "dude" again, Britt. Just say it again.

Chris Harrison should charge by the second when he talks these women off of a cliff. Five minutes with Britt and Kelsey and he could retire in May and have his nonexistent grandkids set for life.

Psychotic Kelsey is back with her dead shark eyes and gluten-free, anti-vaccination mom haircut.

Every time Kelsey opens her mouth its as if to say:

While she fake cries and sniffles, a high-pitched voice asks to say something.

Overlord Chris Harrison says no.

Trina took a break from bleaching her asshole to join us tonight. Bless your heart, Trina.

Samantha speaks! She has vocal cords!

The legitimacy of Kelsey's story is questioned, as it has been by people across the country and in Canada.

Personally, I think it boils down to her just being dead inside and having a strong background in community theater.

And here we have The Ballad of Onion Ashley.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

But whenever Onion Ashley was around, we were all afraid. So very, very afraid.

She's articulate enough to explain her Mesa Verde reference, her obsession with the onion, and accusations of betting on the contestants.

Chris Harrison formally invites her to participate in the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, did she accept? I was too ticked off by the lack of explanation in her interview.

We really don't need to revisit Jade's experience on the show. It was boring until she got nakey and then boring again when Chris said he was okay with it (even though he totally wasn't).

People keep talking about Chris' blog. He has a blog?

Is it better than mine?

Is he prettier than me?

Prince Farming In The Hot Seat 

Time to call him out on his lack of eye contact, ladies.

And Britt's already crying.

Kaitlyn's asking for an explanation for the abrupt departure, but she's not going to get one.

Chris is unable to articulate anything that isn't scripted or pieced together with long, audible sighs.  He is also unable to maintain eye contact in those situations.

The real world is made up of those situations. So good luck to Becca or Whitney, or even Britt at this point, because you're looking at a  life of unanswered questions and starch-filled dinners. The human body doesn't digest corn, just saying.

After the much needed blooper reel, I realize I've never hated someone's laugh so much.

Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel. Fabio isn't on the cover so it won't reach its core market anytime soon.

Next Week

The dramatic season finAHle (gag me) followed by a LIVE After The Final Rose.

We're gonna be glued to the tube for 3 straight hours.

May Beyonce be with you.