Monday, March 9, 2015

Wake Me Up When It's Over.


Bachelor Chris is back in a snow-covered Iowa, which is only slightly more depressing than regular Iowa.

Whitney Meets the Fam

Whitney is first at bat with The Family Soules.

Right out of the gate she lets them know she's a fan of the show, and their beloved Prince Farming by extension.

The Sisters sit down with Whit and listen to her spiel about babies and corn and not having a lower vocal register.

When comparing the two remaining women, Chris says a few nice things about Whitney and stumble mumbles his way through a grocery list of things he loves about Becca.

"I love the way he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, even though he's dating someone way hotter than me."

After "The Future Mrs. Soules" heads back to her hotel, the men gather around in the audaciously masculine tool shed/garage to talk about Chris' feelings.

Becca Has To Measure Up

Becca definitely has her work cut our for her with Chris' family after Whitney The Good Witch swooped in on her magic bubble.

She may be making Mama Soules pee her pants with laughter about life in a small town, but she literally says she's not ready to move, let alone go M.A.C.H. 3 through a cornfield into a relationship with this stuttering boob.

QUESTION(S): Why has there been absolutely no conversation about Chris moving out of Iowa? Why do the women need to uproot their lives for a guy they've been dating for about 6 weeks? Why do they have to profess their undying love for him when he can't even tell them he loves them a little? Why is there still a gender wage gap? Why is a girl who sleeps around a slut while a guy is a stud? Why are there no stand-alone female superhero movies? WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW?

After an intense discussion with Becca about her feelings, Chris and Whitney drive through miles of unharvested starch with forced laughter and awkward, jittery, excitement.

At this point all of America knows Chris is going to pick Whitney. But then Host Chris Harrison's comment about a twist from the beginning of the show snaps back into our minds.

Whitney says she knows what Chris is thinking when she looks into his eyes.

You're guilting me into choosing you. I wonder if Becca gets bikini waxes. I can't believe Walt dies at the end of Breaking Bad. 

Decision Time

The producer Chris chooses to propose to his future wife in a barn when it's 20 degrees outside. Conveniently this is where he raised his first pig and definitely did some weird stuff with a goat.

There's a production assistant somewhere on the premises suffocating from the flaming hay bales that were placed too close to the space heaters.

He tells Becca she isn't ready so he has to go with Whitney. But she seems totally cool with it.

Whitney cries and snot rockets everywhere blah, blah, blah they're engaged.

This is the most anti-climactic finAHle ever, am I right?

After The Final Rose

They're still together.

Nobody cares.

Jimmy Kimmel got them a cow named Juan Pablo.

Onion Ashley is going to be on Bachelor In Paradise.

Britt AND Kaitlyn are both the next Bachelorette.

I don't know.


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