Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Double The Suitors, Double The Eye Rolls

On Monday, May 18th, the new season of The Bachelorette will be thrust upon us against our will. So we might as well make the most of it, right?

Britt and Kaitlyn are up at bat this time around after being jilted by The Corn King Chris Soules, but the catch is only one will stay and one will go.

That's right, the gentlemen will determine who is the sole Bachelorette this season. I say we get to know some of them a little better...

Justin, Fitness Trainer
Justin is that guy at the party or any social gathering who let's you know he does CrossFit. Don't worry about asking him if he works out or what his regiment is, because he will tell you. 

Tony, Healer
Tony's a ~healer~. He just wants to connect with the Bachelorette's spirit, getting to know her aura over a couple shots of wheat grass juice while a calming Bon Iver album plays in the background.

Daniel, Fashion Designer
Pause for inevitable judgement of his sexuality per the choice in profession. Homeboy probably dresses better than Anna Wintour and will have to endure the heinous outfits the potential Bachelorette will wear each week. 

Josh S., Law Student/Exotic Dancer
I see you windin' and grindin' up on that podium. I know you see me lookin' at you and you already know... you're guilty and going to prison. 

Shawn E, Amateur Sex Coach
As an amateur sex coach, Shawn E. has the same level of knowledge as a 14 year old who has seen Fifty Shades of Grey a few times, or a pledge in the douchiest fraternity at a state school. 

Ryan M., Junkyard Specialist
Ryan M. spends most of his time in waste receptacles and on Craig's List looking for someone to dumpster dive with him.

Brady, Singer-songwriter
Voted Most Likely To End A Conversation By Saying: "Anyway, here's Wonderwall."

Chris, Dentist
Chris failed out of medical school, that's why he became a dentist. He desperately hopes the Bachelorette is cool with flossing after every meal and being the big spoon. 

There's no guarantee that I'll be able to blog about each episode of the upcoming season, but there will always be Twitter commentary. For the same rude (yet honest) opinions from yours truly, follow me here.

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Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.