Monday, May 25, 2015

(Jerry Seinfeld Voice) "Reality TV Dating Shows, What's Up With That?"

Last week on The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn began her journey to small-screen stardom/ love.

Also,  she seems to have started the second stages of wearing Invisalign.

Chris The "Cupcake" Dentist will marvel at her mouth bones later.

My mom shoots me a text 2 minutes into the episode letting me know how she thinks tonight will go.

She's so wise.

Remember when Brady stalked Brit all the way back to her hotel?
Remember when he totally used this one-on-one time to not be compared to anyone else and hypnotized her with his unwashed hair and ultra-wide crew neck tee?
Remember when I had dignity and didn't watch this show?

Those were the days...

Group Date #1

Wrestling? Boxing? Will the contestants strap on the singlet and grapple with each other for a moment of The Bachelorette's affection?

It looks like they'll be wearing big shorts. Damn.

Laila Ali walks into the room, giving the men a pep talk while simultaneously preparing to embarrass them on national television.

The gym is the pinnacle of romantic locations.

Just think of all the MRSA living on those punching bags.

Kaitlyn: "Please don't hurt each other in this competition of literally hurting each other for my attention."

Someone who hasn't had a lot of screen time tells Kaitlyn about his son, Aurelius.
She tries to not to laugh at the fact that this man is the father of a boy who will be mocked for the rest of his life.

But then, a mysterious note that says "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you" falls into her lap.

Slightly Concussed Jared is back from the hospital and ready to mack on her all the way to The Rose Ceremony.

One-On-One Date #1

Clint, Son of Odin, and Her Royal Bacheloretteness set out to their underwater photo shoot date.

Our girl Kait seems unable to grasp that you need to hold your breath and not let out any bubbles in order for the photos to look semi-cute.

But Thor is a natural and is schooling Kaitlyn in the art of underwater modeling.

Tyra has taught him well, because he gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Tony is two seconds away from a Hare Krishna chant-fest.

Group Date #2

It's Amateur Night on The Bachelorette.

Comedy and love are all about timing.

Some of these guys seem to really struggle with both.

Thank Beyonce, because Amy Schumer is here to help and humiliate them.

"Mr. Confidence," AKA JJ, is a little too confident. He's also always dreamed of doing comedy, so this could potentially be the worst thing we've ever seen, ever, in the history of television.

Some of the guys play it safe, some play it dirty, some totally bite it and should just drive home on their cupcake scooter of shame.

Tony takes this opportunity to deliver a commencement speech of sorts.

Let's just let the ladies be funny, guys, okay?

After the show, Kaitlyn proceeds to make out with the majority of them because, well, you gotta shop around a little bit, right?

JJ gets the rose for talking about his child and evoking a microbe of emotion.

No one else likes JJ.

The Rose Ceremony

In true form, JJ pulls a dick move during the cocktail party by pulling Kaitlyn away immediately, saying, AND I QUOTE, "Sorry not sorry" to the other guys.

Someone's been reading the Betches Luv This blog in his spare time.

Ian shows his compassion and continues to remind us of the Old Spice Guy.

Part of me wonders if he might be the first non-caucasian person to get far in this competition.

We're rooting for you, Ian.

Tony continues to have quite the time with this whole process and the inevitable betrayal of the Universe on his chakras or whatever.

Kupah is annoyed that Kaitlyn doesn't vibe with him.
And he should be, right?
How dare she ignore him after he does nothing to make a connection with her.
What a bitch.

Yet, he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.

Kupah is out of here...

And still can't seem to shut up.


Kaitlyn cracks some skulls.

Britt and Brady are nauseating.

Dear Bachelorette producers:

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