Thursday, June 2, 2016

Bro, Do You Even Lift (Your Luggage)?

This week on The Bachelorette, it's The Chad Show.

Please excuse me while I projectile vomit while this not-so-passive aggressive douchface gets the air time he thirsts for.

Group Date #1

Apparently there's a fire?

Can we throw Chad into it?

Can we get James Taylor to write a song about it?

Jojo is not properly dressed for a fire emergency. How are we supposed to take the drill seriously if she's not wearing the proper safety attire? 

What if Handsome Squidward (AN ACTUAL FIREFIGHTER) didn't win this challenge? 

I'd laugh. 

Baby Wells got a bit overheated.

Can someone get him out of the damn outfit?

This is not a competition to die over, Wells. 

"This is all just a ploy to have you talk to me."

That's a calculative little betch we've got here. 

Meanwhile back at the mansion, the guys are shirtless and writing a really stupid song for Jojo while Chad sits in the corner planning the American Psycho-esque murders of anyone who exudes happiness.

Back at the group date, Handsome Squidward "rescues" Jojo from the "burning" building by busting through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

After shaking the staged soot from their hair, Jojo and Handsome Squidward suck face for what seems like an eternity.

I'm over Handsome Squidward and his handsome face. 

But in the end, Wells gets the rose for his near-death experience, sending Luke to brood on his MySpace page where he tinkers with his Top 8 and changes the profile music to different Tanya Tucker songs. 

1-on-1 #1

Derek is ready to ride along with Jojo for their mystery date.

This date is basically like those Young Adult novels where you pick the scenario and how it effects the story.

Fingers crossed a mystical unicorn shows up somewhere down the line and Patty finally gets asked to prom by Aaron, the school loner but low-key rapper with heart of gold. 

A trip to San Francisco calls for mackin' on the Golden Gate Bridge (with a tantalizing view of Alcatraz in the background).

Back at the mansion Chad's talking about putting these guys in protein shakes and blending them together.

Okay... so maybe he's taking the Hannibal Lecter approach to these premeditated murders. 

Back on the date, Derek continues to be super adorable and Jojo gives his cutie patootie a rose. 

Group Date #2

I literally just watched grown men dance and then do a dizzy bat and then hold in vomit as they try to fake propose to a girl they've known for 3 days. 

That's romance. 

Chad continues to be talking pile of manure. 

Chad's not here to "act."

Chad's here to be "upfront" and "not fake."

Chad "tells it like it is."

Something tells me Chad and Donald Trump probably do lunch together on the reg.

Our knight in shining armor, James Taylor, steals the show with a song and beats out Chad for the #1 spot.

How sweet it is. 

But speak of the devil, here comes Chad.

A chat with Admiral Toolbox leaves Jojo mystified and hot for his bod.

She has no choice but to suck face with him.

But James Taylor gets the date rose and nice guys everywhere rejoice.

Cocktail Party

Apparently Chad feels like he needs more time to hypnotize Jojo with his bullshit and proceeds to freak out the rest of the guys by walking her into the cocktail party. 

This show is turning my brain into oatmeal because I actually squealed when Chase had it "snow" for his mini date with Jojo. 

Chad unhinges his jaw in an effort to stuff his face like an anaconda eating a baby cow.

They're called calves, Marnie. GAWSH. 

Is he a psychopath?

Or is it the just the meat sweats?

Daniel seems to have no interest in anything aside from how superior he is to everyone else.

The Rose Ceremony






The hipster departs. 

The Bachelor Fanatic runs home to his full DVR.

Will shall TP another mansion another day with a another girl. 

Next Week


I mean I'll make time but I'm not going to be happy about it.

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Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.