Monday, January 21, 2013

Bachelor Week 3: Bump, Set, Spike the OJ So That Bitch Falls Down The Stairs

The claws come out tonight. 
Monday came quick this week didn't it? Not that I mind. Classes don't start until Wednesday and I was eager to sit back, relax and enjoy some pectorals and pettiness before the semester pulls me into a black hole of academia and coping with graduating.

Stating The Obvious: 
Sean: "I'm really digging a lot of women."
Good to know, some people out there may think you like to take your sandwich with a pickle.

Robyn is in it to win it.
"Lets go ditch these bitches and go fall in love FO REAL." You go gurllll.

I now have more respect for her than before. It's not a lot of respect, but lets just say that the backflops are forgiven...maybe not fully forgiven but we're getting there.

Lesley M's Date

At first Lesley was NOT impressed with the Guinness World Records date. But Sean is quirky and loves bragging about his dad being in the book for driving for frickin' ever.

"Let's break our own record."

Don't even tell me you're going to kiss the longest.

Wow, you are actually going to kiss the longest.


When Chris Harrison announces that their lips must touch the entire time, Lesley doesn't have to time to tell Sean about her herpes flare ups or adult pallet expander. AWK-WARD.

How long is this going to go on?

"We're kissing...and we're kissing...and we are kiss- sing."

Finally, they break the lamest record in the book and we can now move on with the most inappropriate PDA date in history.

Question: What happens if Lesley M is one of the last girls he picks but he goes with the other girl and then she's standing there screaming
I love you if you get the reference

And Sean's reaction would be a resounding NO.

Lesley: "Sometimes my family is more fun than my friends are."

Maybe it's time to get some new friends.

Is it just me or is it painfully obvious that she doesn't know what to do with her hands...or her glass.
Yeah go ahead, just perch that champagne flute on his beefy shoulder.

Group Date

Just I think that the group dates can't get any more random, you're going with beach volleyball, ABC?

I just want one time for there to be a group date where Chris Harrison comes out in a crazy-ass wig and says, "We'll be doing a Bachelor Hunger Games! May the rose be ever in your favor."

Sean: "This isn't going so well."
Ya think?
Both teams are terrible. Tierra is ready to pull a Tonya Harding and take a bitch out.

I told you Hunger Games would be a good idea. Except it would be called "Hungry For The D Games."

The red team loses and now Kristy (who has magically appeared) is sobbing. 

My fantasy league pick is redeeming herself to the max tonight. Lindsay played the best friend card. She's in. And even though she got a little sloppy the first night, I still like her.

Kacie B. has taken it upon herself to bring drama to Sean's attention, except it's dramatic to the extent that a seventh grader would find this to be oh em gee status, not a grown ass man. Kacie, you are  making yourself look really stupid right now.
Sean has seen the crazy.
Your plan is failing.
Go and consult with your 12 year old friends on what emojis you can use to convey your sanity when you text him later.

AshLee's Date
Professional Organizer, AshLee, gets to go on her very first one on one date tonight and she's a woman with a plan.
"I'm gonna talk about my adoption."
 Laying it nice and thick for the first date. Well done.

Oh but wait,
Tierra eats it HARD on a flight of stairs. Obviously she's concussed, her dome piece just got rocked on a tiled staircase.

"I JUST WANNA BE LEFT ALONE!", cries Tierra as she is writhing on the floor.

ABC doesn't want to get sued so they're trying to persuade Tierra to go to the hospital while she's throwing a bitch fit. Meanwhile, the OCD personal organizer waits in the kitchen as her biological clock is ticking away and she develops conspiracy theories about the validity of Tierra's injuries.

Sean and AshLee get to Six Flags for their romantic date and Sean throws in a surprise. Hold up Sean, two girls who suffer from chronic illnesses get to go on your date with you?
Diabetes is a chronic illness.
Can I go on your date with you?
C'mon it'll be great, we can mess up AshLee's purse organization and you can let me touch your biceps.

Cute date guys, I don't really dig amusement parks but, it was cute.

Sean: "I can feel the love coming from your heart."
Vomit vomit what else rhymes with vomit?This scene. 

Oh but now my eyes are tearing up because her story is really nice and she's not that nutty anymore.
Plus she made Sean cry.
She made the man CRY.
AshLee you are fine by me. You may even be Fantasy League Pick material.

Rose Ceremony
Sarah is stumped (pun intended) as to why she didn't have a date this week, so Sean wants to show her that she's still on his mind.

Outside the Chateau:

Sean: "SURPRISE, ITS YOUR DOG, you ungrateful wench."

Meanwhile, back inside:
Tierra wants to punch some walls. And everyone else wants to punch her face.

She made a mean joke about who got the other one on one date and Sarah almost nubbed her in the face.

Everyone hates Tierra.

She is, essentially, the Lance Armstrong/DMV Line of the Bachelor.

Tierra's fan club
Shouldn't there just be a color-coded chart to schedule all of this alone time with Sean?  AshLee could professionally organize it for everyone.

At this point Sean is ready to kick Kacie B right to the Chateau curb. She'll be working the corner on Hollywood Boulevard before you can say Brad Womack Round Three.
He says they're better off as friends. But we know the real truth.

Tonight Sean says goodbye to Taryn and Kristy. Tough noogies, ladies.
You'll get 'em next time. 



I'm already preparing my Whip It references.

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