Monday, January 28, 2013

Bachelor Week 4: You're a Jaw Breaker, Dream Taker, Earring Giver Don't Ya Mess Around With Tierra

Forever drooling...
I need to start off this week's post with a statement. Sean is too nice for this show. There, I said it. Emily eliminated guys left and right last season and had no problem being a bitch and using Ricki as an excuse to keep a pre-pubescent skater around until the very end. Sean is pure of heart and abdominal muscle and frankly, too good for any of these women.

As soon as Chris Harrison walked into the room I could smell the desperation and anxiety radiating from my television screen. Leslie H. is pretty much ready to jump out of the Bachleor helicopter , sans parachute, if she doesn't get a one on one date this week.

Selma: Wilderness Explorer
Congrats on the long-awaited one-on-one, Selma. We see that you have your yabbos all pushed up for the occasion. You're so classy. As soon as they board the private plane they're all over each other and have spent about one hot minute face to face. She was legitimately laying across him and had her elbow dangerously close to his business.

Selma: "You took the Iraqi to a desert."


With her breastuses all pushed up
Sean's an outdoorsy guy. I bet you Selma has never set foot inside a tent. Who am I to talk though, I'm outdoorsy in the sense that I get drunk on patios.

Me: "I can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend. What if something's on TV and it's never shown again?" Really, though.

When Sean tells Selma that they will be climbing a huge rock, I totally read the subtext in Selma's fake enthusiasm. Wow this rock is like, super tall. Is there an escalator? Or like, a monorail?

I can't be alone in enjoying watching her struggle at the beginning of the climb. I can't be. You are all liars.

Selma's inner 12 year old. 
That harness is really emphasizing your bulge Sean.

This is the most whiskey tango date I've ever witnessed. Trailer parks and boxed wine.

"I can't kiss you. My mom would have a conniption." If your mom saw Sean's pecs, I'm sure she could look the other way.

Group Date Derby
This week's over-thought group date: Roller Derby. AshLee is a sweetheart but as boring as CSPAN. Here you are with the opportunity to literally beat the extensions out of your competition. Just think of it as organizing your silent rage.

Amanda lied about doing roller derby before just to screw with everyone else. I find this brilliant and incredibly entertaining. For the moment I am pro-Amanda.

The moment has passed.

I want to see some broken collar bones and pride during this date.

Once again, all of these women are uncoordinated and failing at the athletic parts of the date. They aren't soul skaters. Haven't they ever seen Brink?

My mom thought it was horrible that Sean made Sarah skate with one arm. I disagree. She talks about how she's no different from anyone else all the time and he shouldn't treat her differently because of her condition. This is just an opportunity for America to witness her falling down like any other two-armed person would.

Hey Sarah, ever think that maybe you just suck at roller skating?

Naturally, AshLee is being a saint and literally lifting Sarah up from feeling sorry for herself 800 times everyday.

I looked down at my phone to check Twitter for ONE SECOND and the next thing I know someone is face down on the ground, making weird noises. Please let it be Tierra.

Damn, it's just Amanda.

YES! I spy a cracked chin. That's karma for lying about your derby skills I guess.

Did anyone else catch Sean saying "Bye Babe!" as they gurneyed her away? Puke.


I feel like it is appropriate to have a whole section of this post dedicated to the train wreck that is Tierra.

Whats her roller derby name? The Psychologically Deranged Treasure of Tierra Madre?

This girl has got the Kim Kardashian ugly cry DOWN PAT.

"I don't want a sympathy rose." They don't give those out to just ANYONE, Tierra. Besides, Amanda is second on the list after Sarah.

"Why should I live a life of torture every day and be uneasy?" BECAUSE YOU SIGNED UP FOR A DATING GAME SHOW, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

Every time she cries I feel like I am watching a Regina George prototype. I hope she gets caught hooking up with Shane Omen in the projection room above the auditorium.

She is the puppet master. Throwing another bitch fit to get attention and air time. 

Poor Sean is under her spell, like Spencer and Toby. If 'A' really existed it'd be Tierra. Quick, someone search her luggage for red sharpies. 

I had to hold back chunks of vomit while watching Sean be nice to Tierra and then give her the rose. 

Those are strings, Pinocchio. 

Leslie H., Walkin' Down The Street

Prius Mouth finally gets thrown a frickin' bone, and the nicest pair of diamond earrings ABC can afford.

"OH MY GOD, THIS IS LIKE PRETTY WOMAN." If you mean you and J Roberts have the same Billy Mouth Bass lips, then yes, this IS just like Pretty Woman.

He took her to Rodeo Drive.  Big mistake. Big. Huge. 

Sean: "Everyone talks about Pretty Woman. Richard Gere gives Julia Roberts whatever she wants."

...Because she's a hooker and he is paying her to be his escort.

Should he be THIS into putting her outfit together?

They are too friendly to be potential lovers. I knew it - the connection just wasn't there. I hope he knows she's going to hurl herself into the Pit of Despair when she doesn't get that rose.

Buck up Les! You got some glitzy earrings out of it. Most women just get the trampled heart and spirit. At least yours came with a goody bag.

Sean's just weeding the garden and you were a really tall, smiley dandelion.

Rose Ceremony

Sean opens the floor for any questions or concerns anyone may have.

Tierra's sanity? Show of hands? Hands? 

Robyn makes me feel awkward. I think she makes Sean feel awkward too.

"Do you want some chocolate? Which chocolate do you want? We can just kiss it out." I think he's lactose intolerant now.

"Tierra requires more assurance than any other woman in the house." RED. FLAG. BRO.

Eliminated This Week: Amanda

They say that snitches get stitches but apparently so do bitch-faced liars. Hope that chin heals and leaves a grotesque scar, Mandy.

Next Week On The Bachelor

Robyn is "...gonna make this the Bad Girls Club." Of course she is. She's a real hood bitch these days.

Tierra turns into a streaky eyed popsicle on whatever ridiculous group date they all go on. What is it going to be this time? Spelunking in caves for rare algae specimens?

Next week I'm enforcing a mandatory Bachelor Drinking Game: Hot Ass Sean Edition.

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