Monday, May 27, 2013

Fill My Love Tank: A Tale of First Encounters

                                                           Welcome back friends!
"The Bachelorette is back!"

This season of the Bachelorette is going to be a rough one to sit through. 

You know when a movie trailer shows you basically the whole movie and you just sit there in the theater and go "Well okay that was basically the film - I guess I don't really need to see it. Pass the popcorn and milk duds please." This isn't like that. You can't tear your eyes away from a trainwreck like this. Try it. You can't do it.
Raise your hand if you can smell the irony
"Picture like the best dream you've ever had, and then times that by ten and then live in it".

Are we supposed to believe that all Des brings to the chateau is that tacky boho bag? It looks like something I found in the Anthropologie sale tent and passed over because it looked like someone gave an epileptic a red bull and a pack of glitter glue.

While candidly staring out at the coastline, Des says that she "believe[s] in this experience."
Funny, it makes me believe in induced vomiting. To each his (or her) own. 

To set the scene in Malibu, we get a nice shot of Des doing typical California things. Don't hassle her, she's local now. She roller skated down the boardwalk in jorts and a bikini top.

"I just, like, love companionship."

 Then get a freaking dog.


While watching the short segments on some of the men, we meet a certain "advertising entrepreneur". WAIT. Is he an "advertising entrepreneur" because he is one of those funky sign spinners you see outside Quiznos? 


Drew: The candidate for Senator with the voice of a 13 year old.

Brooks: He's a hugger.

Brad: But you can call me B-RAD.

Bryden: Besides the name, not memorable.

Micahel G: The "Let's go for a walk" guy. Find the penny bro, just find the freaking penny. 

Kasey: He creeped on her. He's a creeper. No more "hashtag" or I'll consider changing the title of my blog.

Will: Who we will call "Token" for obvious reasons (he's a banker, DUH). 

Mikey T: Has the right to (literal) bear arms. 

Jonathon: Most likely to be convicted of sexual assault in the workplace.

Zak W: Snaps for casting TWO Zaks ABC. He has nice abs. and he knows it. 

James: This one's all about loyalty. Des might get the dog I was talking about earlier. 

Larry:  My mom thought he was a woman at first glance so he is now dubbed Larry the Lady, He Who Makes Awkward Dance Introductions.

Nick R: Magician. A freaking magician. 

Zak K: Rockin' the converse. Respect. 

Diogo: Her knight in shining green card. 

Chris: CUTE and FUNNY and a potential favorite.

Mike R: McDreadful.

Robert: Fresh out the womb. 

Juan Pablo: HoLA. 

Brandon: Nice bike. horrible suit. 

Brian: Thought you were Nick Miller from New Girl for a sec there. Imagine my disappointment. 

Micah: He's a designer of tacky suits to go with Des' tacky bag. 

Nick M: He's a poet and we all wish we didn't know it. 

Dan: Director of beverage sales. Mom weighs in- "I wonder what beverage he sells."

(Honorable Mention)Brody: THE CUTEST THING EVER 
Anytime anyone opens their mouth to speak, ever. 

Ben: The exploiter of children. 

"I remember how hard this whole process is. Just be yourself", advises Desiree as the cocktail party begins. What a great story. Can you tell it again? Do you have time?


Naturally the magician/tailor needs to bring the focus on himself because he has an attention complex and make a terrible segue into alone time with Des. 

Brandon got a little testy when Des got pulled away by the magician so of course he swooped in and over-shared and called her his future wife. 

If I didn't write this blog while watching the show I would participate in every relevant drinking game . Sadly drunk blogging is a new low that I think I shouldn't approach until later in my post-grad career. 


1. Ben receives the first rose because he used his ridiculously adorable child to impress Desiree. 

2. All hell breaks loose when Shirtless Zak decides to peel off the rest of his clothes and takes a dip in the pool. We get it Taylor Lautner, you have a sweet bod. Therefore we congratulate you with a rose.

3. Drew, the prepubescent voiced delegate from Arizona nabs himself a boutonniere after managing to not let his voice crack for five straight minutes. 
Jonathan is HAMSKIEEEEEEEEEEEED and is "going to try and kiss Desiree on the mouth". 
Ten points for Drunkendor! 
His "love tank" hasn't been depleted in years. 
We are looking at a very large love tank. 
The size of this love tank could safely house the entire Duggar family, Kanye West's ego, and Kim Kardashian's ass.  
Sadly, Jonathan, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. 
Can we fast forward to the Rose Ceremony now Des? I can feel myself losing IQ points. I already started liking Ke$ha, I can't afford to lose anymore to this show. 

Rose Ceremony

See ya never; Diogo, Larry, and Magic Nick. 

May you find love some other way that isn't broadcasted to the entire nation, and Canada.


THIS SEASON On the Bachelorette:

Shock, awe, surprise, love, fondling, hugging, squabbling, ball grabbing, punching, crying, UGLY crying, deception, lying, ex-girlfriends, swearing, groveling, regret, more ugly crying, forehead rubbing, human sacrifice, white walkers, and dragons. 

The only way to cope.

                             I hope we all make it through this season with our sanity intact. 

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