Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Men Tell All Ordeal: Bachelorette Problems

  Before I start this post, I must share this with all of you: (note the instagram filter and teenage girl kissy face)
Jef tweets: "Driving my buddy back to the airport...he got deported today."
The Men Tell All. Where all of our favorite and least favorite contestants get together in a small studio space in LA, bitch about Emily and the heartache that they basically set themselves up for. BECAUSE IT IS A TELEVISION SHOW. There were so many great moments from last night's episode. Let's remember some of them...shall we?

1. Chris Harrison's inability to say "finale" in a a normal- unpretentious manner- ie: Fin-AH-lee

2. Kalon's generously applied lip gloss

3. Psycho Chris' rage face when Ryan out-douched him and called him a whiny baby

4. Alessandro wearing jeans...as if to say "This is a compromise for nice slacks and a button-down".

5. Tony running up to Emily to give her an ass-out hug and being the only one to do so. 

6. Sean got a tan and botox to minimize the army of sweat glands that took residence in his face. 

7. The transformation of Ryan's D-bag beard- please refer to the progression of images and descriptions provided below. 

 Here we see Ryan without any facial hair. He kinda looks like a decent guy if he learned to comb/flatten the top of his hair. But then again, he may believe that Emily may still love him, but not love ON him as much with a new 'do.
"Bitch stole my look!"

Now Ryan is starting to look like the game-maker from the Hunger Games...in a not good way. Also, I'm pretty sure tank tops like that only look good on Bruce Willis. And only if it's Bruce Willis as Corbin Dallas in the Fifth Element. Was that too many references for you all? GET ON MY LEVEL. 
Ryan's beard is now entering potentially dangerous Joaquin Phoenix territory.

"How can she be so obtuse?"

  8. Devon has pointed out how Jef With One F resembles Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. Is it the hair? Yes. Yes it is the hair. The only exception with this connection is that Andy Dufrense helped convicts learn to read and do their taxes...and JWOF is still on reading level 3 and has to help Emily floss her huge horse teeth. But my main concern for next week is what will happen if Emily picks Ari over Jef, age 12 and 3/4?

9. Emily calling Kalon out for being a total ass-face and having an incredibly poor sense of humor. "I'm incredibly flattered that you follow me on twitter, but you still have Chiclet teeth and your daughter should have been named Samsonite". 

10. The Bachelor Pad promos. Chris gets with three emotionally distraught women who will hopefully cause everyone to contract some type of venereal disease and go home. This way, Chris Harrison can run off with those two blonde twins and start his own show where he will skeet shoot all of the framed pictures of past contenders with a rifle he fondly named "Courtney". 

Next week the finAHlee is on SUNDAY. NOT MONDAY. The television gods have saved my birthday and rid it of all ABC evil and instead pushed it to the night before. THANK GOD. But now I have to DVR two things at once. #marnieproblems

ps- I'm now following Baby Jef on twitter. @jefholm get at me @shesarangasir

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