Monday, July 9, 2012

Final Three Problems: The Bachelorette

   Aside from hometown dates, the final three is my favorite. This episode kicks off with an overview of Emily and her "journey through this experience" (It's a television show... admit it). This means that we, as viewers, get to enjoy (ONCE AGAIN) some awksauce HOT ASS SEAN smiling and wiping the sweat from his squinty eyes, Arie assaulting Emily's entire face with his mouth, and Jef learning to read and express emotion through puppetry. This of course is also the episode where the "Fantasy Suite" card can get played, so everyone's hoping for some action.

She is bat-shit crazy if she doesn't get all up in this.
      I noticed if you look at pictures of Sean from each episode since el numero uno, his face becomes redder, sweatier, and squinty...while his abs remain comparable with those of Greek Gods. H-A-S is at this point, my favorite contestant. He flubs a little when mentioning his three year-long relationship with another woman/his mirror and claiming how in love he was, while Ems squirms and makes that face that says "Start paying attention to me and my obviously fake boobs or I'll go find Arie and suck his face off". The date gets slightly less awkward as the two frolic in the ocean, even though Sean has to get out and reapply his SPF 100+ sunscreen every 20 minutes.
       The evening part of the date gets incredibly sappy, per usual, and Sean reads a letter he wrote to Ricki that is supposed to make Emily jump his bones, skipping the invitation to the Fantasy Suite all together. Emily offers the key to H-A-S, but they decide to just "hang out all night" instead of getting buck wild. Whatever. Emily states that she doesn't need three more hours to figure out how she feels, and I breathe a sigh of relief thinking my boy is in the clear, even though he didn't get any ass.

     Jef With One F must have been so psyched to get out on a boogie board and collect crabs on the beach! Oh wait... he has to hang out with West Virginia Barbie too. His hair, I must admit, is fascinating. Such body, such a quaffed quality that Arie is so obviously trying to imitate. JWOF and WV Barbs cuddle and snuggle and have serious discussions, all led by Jef. His guidance counselor must have suggested that he practice his critical thinking before the fall PSATs, so he shot Emily some important questions about her relationship with previous men, Ricki, and her stance on Team Edward or Jacob.
"I'll spin dis bitch a plate...bitches love plates".
     What caught my attention the most from this date, was how Jef so blatantly stated that he has to like Ricki in order for him and Barbs to go get their Anywhere-in-the-USA-to-start-a-new-life-together-even-if-it's-in-the-middle-of-Death-Valley-and-all-we-have-is-each other- and-a-few-sisterwives Dream House. So basically Jef's all: "If I like, don't like Ricki, like, she's a total dick or something, I don't think this whole thing can like, happen". Wise words from the child bride.
    The evening part of the date had me sitting on the edge of my seat when Emily asked the kid to the Fantasy Suite and he actually acknowledged that THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW AND PEOPLE WILL SEE WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO IN THAT FANTASY SUITE. So he takes the sensible choice and he and Emily "hang out" for the night instead of swiping his V-card. Two things can be assumed by his choice... 1) He's only 16 and the age of consent in Curacao is unclear to both him and the ABC producers who promised him an Xbox to be on the show, so they can't take any chances. 2) Jef With One F may actually have two F's in his first name, and the truth would hurt Emily too much during this time of extreme vulnerability...oh and he's gaga for sausage.

    Oh, Arie. Your large salad bowl hands and baby sea-lion feet have officially skeeved me out beyond belief. I know what they say about big feet and hands but I don't think Emily needs to deal with ordering you specialty size shoes on Zappos into your old age, or the huge ego that must come with such endowments. All Meaghan and I could notice during your date was Arie's talons hooked into the netting of the boat after swimming/annoying the dolphins. Apparently Emily believes that Arie's lack of fear around sea mammals means he'll be a good Dad to her exploited child. Nothing says good potential parenting like the ability to telekinetically communicate with Flipper.
     These two are in the perfect environment because they are surrounded by aquatic life and Arie loves to mack on Emily, fish face style, to the point where she is so overcome with his "hotness" that she can't even offer him the key to the Fantasy Suite because she will lose her mind and do some sick and twisted Fifty Shades of Grey shit.

Yep...this face.
      I am sad to say this is the moment where I exclaim to my family and friends that this is the most nervous I have been in a while. realizing what I have just said, I eat a Hershey bar and get a grip on reality as Emily watches "private, personal" videos made by the men...that are being nationally televised and were scripted/edited the shit out of. She has no emotion, unless a hybrid look of constipation and confusion is supposed to tell us anything about the situation at hand. I get increasingly anxious of the fate of H-A-S and JWOF (as much as I make fun of him, he is quite adorable) and pray to the Network television gods that Arie and his Yao Ming hands are the next to crawl into the big black SUV and ugly cry all the way back to Scottsdale and his Von-Bitch mother.
     Baby Jef gets the first rose... the music escalates...the men look nervous, Sean is obviously sweating, and Arie's skin is making a familiar transformation back to the pigment of lemon... I try to squeal but no sound comes out... only horror and heartbreak when poor HOT ASS SEAN gets sent home and Holland-death-grip-on-Boats, Arie smugly receives the final rose.
    I can't make fun of Sean and Emily's post-rose chat before he gets into the infamous black SUV. It was very sad and you could tell he really loved her...and she kinda loved him- but obviously loved the fact that Jef is a potential play date/step-dad for Ricki and the possibility of Arie having a Kielbasa hidden in his chinos the other men more.

    Chris Harrison realizes how stupid his job is and looks into Dancing With The Stars to confirm the fatality of his career after this season.

    The Men Tell All is next week and all I can really hope from this episode is some much anticipated Tony-Doug Daddy bonding time and Kalon repeatedly applying chap stick as DJ Stevie tries to teach everyone how to Dougie.


  1. well done Thompson!!..don't tell your dad I watch the show..
    SR- Laguna Niguel CA

  2. Marnie I look forward to these everyweek. You are one funny betch. Well done donkey


Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.