Sunday, October 14, 2012

Revenge Problems

Revenge is back in action- which means, I have some nit-picking to do about ABC's #1 Sunday drama. Here we go:

On Charlotte being all nicey-nicey to Faux Amanda now that she's illegitimately pregs with some rando's honey boo boo child:
Her pregnancy plan.
Charlotte please stop acting like you are sister of the year. You're basically signing yourself up for free babysitting and once your inheritance gets blown on shipping Victoria into space forever/getting you acting lessons, you're going to need that 10 bucks an hour gig. Chances are the baby is going to come out emotionally messed up already after Faux Amanda's suggestive life choices and having a trained assassin/spy/identityborrowing godmother. 

When Faux Emily is in Japan and her lover does the dip, so Sensei compares this little situation to her father's sitch:
"Your lovah... he uh.. left you"
Alrighty then, Sensei-I doubt having your quasi-boyfriend from karate camp ditch you in maze makes Emily/Amanda feel the same betrayal as her dad did when he got shanked in the person yard and was basically blamed for a terrorist attack. So, it's really nice of you to try and relate to Faux Emily and everything- but you're just making it worse and making us wish we had the old Mr. Miyagi back before he got re-casted. 

On how much Ashley doesn't even really need to be on the show anymore:
Is no one else noticing how Ashley and Daniel aren't really even Ashley and Daniel? You would never know they were together because Daniel spends so much time talking to his dad and Ashley keeps planning parties. I feel like in every episode there is a party, cocktail hour, gala, or press conference with these people. Like... go to the movies or something. Watch the Ellen Show. Just stop attending high-class functions for about 2 minutes. 
"Oui... I did do dat thing"
No, you idiot.

On how much Deckland needs to channel his inner- Erik Van Der Woodsen:
Deckland, you are a sucky liar and fess up too quick. After all those years spent on the upper east side with your sister Serena and hiding your homosexuality in a closet the size of a stretch Hummer.... I expect better. 

On how they manage to slip in another fiesta and reason to make you have roller coaster emotions waiting for next week's episode:
Just as the episode is ending, Conrad announces that he and Victoria are renewing their vows. This pisses Victoria off to no end, but gives Ashley another fab event to plan and Daniel a reason to get revenge-y. Meanwhile, Emily probably goes and tries to find her mother (who lost her mind after she lost her virginity in the dugout of a high school baseball field to some guy who wouldn't even drive her to the clinic to get something that sounds like shmashmortion). If that last sentence made you incredibly confused and lost, go rent Fast Times At Ridgemont High and thank me in the morning. 
Trust me... you're going to love it. 

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