What.

Tonight's episode of Breaking Bad. 

What. 

It's Like They're Ripping The Side Block Out Of My Mental Jenga

Last week Walt broke our frail little hearts and hired Todd to kill Jesse.
Or did he hire Todd's uncle?
Is the guy really Todd's uncle or is it that kind of situation where he was just really good friends with Todd's parents so he just calls him his uncle?
Or did he work for him for so long that it's like "Dude, just call me your Uncle/ shady employer."?
This show makes me think so much sometimes I forget where I am.

This week Lydia's back, shaking like a Chihuahua in that fiercely blue peacoat.

Todd's uncle and his sidekick don tastefully placed swastika tattoos so we know exactly how much we are supposed to hate them.

The poor, pointy-forheaded lackey  thinks that the photo of Jesse and the fake brains is legit and sang like bird to Hank and Agent Gomez about a bunch of stuff I totally wasn't paying attention to.

"He's not a rat, he's just...angry." says Walt as Uncle Neo-Nazi questions him about Jesse being the target.

"What was the price per head last time?"

"One cook, after the job is done."

I can only use gifs of Jennifer Lawrence because  I'm THAT excited about Catching Fire coming out in  November.

Walt pays Andrea (Jesse's old flame) a visit while her son, Brock, munches on cereal and uses his kid intuition to figure out that Walt is the worse thing that could happen to his family at the moment.

I keep forgetting Hank has Jesse's Hello Kitty phone.
I keep forgetting Jesse even had a Hello Kitty phone.
I keep forgetting to pee during commercials and now kind of wish I had a Hello Kitty phone.

Saul and Junior finally meet and Skylar could not be more uncomfortable if Marie were wearing pink instead of a shade of violet or plum.

Jesse calls Walt and claims he's burning the barrels of money while I think he's really just sitting in Hank's living room getting joy from knowing Mr. White is racing across the state into the desert after those barrels of dough.

OR HE'S RIDING SHOTTY WITH HANK AND GOMEZ WHILE WALT HIDES BEHIND A ROCK.

The man is crying.
I'm crying...on the inside.

This is legitimately a game of man hunt.
Olly Olly Oxen Free, Walt.

Allow me to just point out the look of utter joy and excitement that spreads across Jesse's face as Walt is brought to his knees and handcuffed by his own brother-in-law.

WAIT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

UNCLE JACK STOP.

STOP UNCLE NEO-NAZI JACK.

DON'T DO IT YOU NECK-TATTED CRETIN.

I muted the TV.
I had to.
I just can't.

"I'll Heat Up A Lasagna"

I've been waiting all week for this episode. Last week left me emotionally unstable so I ended up binge watching about 4 seasons of Malcolm in the Middle.

So it all starts out with Walt stalking through his own house like a Lioness hunting for an antelope, only to discover his living room now smells like a Shell Station and Jesse is nowhere to be found.

Jesse's car is still out front with a disc perched on the dashboard...smeared with a white, powdered residue.

Once again, Bryan Cranston is frantic and in his tighty whiteys and all seems right with the world again.

Skylar and the kids come home and don't buy Walt's "pump malfunction" story for a second. They chalk it all up to being sick again and Heisenberg gets away with yet another life-threatening instance.

As soon as Saul whips out the Old Yeller reference I can feel the foreshadowing deep in my bones.

"Are you telling me that he tried to burn our house down?"

Skylar takes her cues from Cersei Lannister now.

Oh I get it now- we had Walt's perspective and now we get Jesse's.

HANK?!

HANK!

HANK.

Somebody sedate me.

Marie's in therapy "There's nothing to be done."

...Until she gets home and Jesse is crashing at Chateau Schrader.

"Is this is bad for Walt? Great, I'm staying. I'll heat up lasagna."

I was really hoping Junior would push Walt into the pool instead of going in for a hug. A girl can dream, can't she?

Back at Hank and Marie's place- Hell has apparently frozen over.

Let's just look at this scene for a hot second.

Jesse in Hank's living room.

Drinking coffee out of a DEA mug.

Marie handing him said mug.

That absolutely horrendous purple shag carpet.

A tripod and a video camera.

Can I ask WHAT THE HELL is with all of these confessionals? This isn't an episode of The Real World, put the cameras away guys.

Jesse agrees to meet up with Walt and wear a wire courtesy of Hank and Agent Gomez.
After spotting a suspicious thug near the meeting point, we get a sweet aerial shot that looks so much like a SIMS/ Rollercoaster Tycoon view, I felt like I should be purchasing virtual furniture to fill the negative space.

ja feel?

A threatening phone call is made and bing bang boom Walt hired a hit man to kill Jesse.

I can't. 

I'm Going To Need To Sit Down After Watching This Episode

Did you all have a conniption last week when  Hank entered the interrogation room and they cut to the freaking credits?

I did.
And I'm having another episode now that TODD is back.

And he is a blabber mouth.
He's like the Perez Hilton of Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Excuse creepy pony tail man as he wipes blood off of his black leather boots.

Excuse me again as I hyperventilate as Hank focuses the camera on Jesse's slack-jawed face.

"Eat me."
The first word we get out of Jesse since 'Nam.

"Happy people just don't go around throwing millions of dollars away."

Here comes Saul, spitting game and making Rocky references that have my father in stitches.

Jesse returns to his mute state.

Walt chooses the moment after he smears concealer under his eyes to tell his son about his cancer relapse in order to keep him from going to see Crazy Aunt Marie and Ticking-Time-Bomb Uncle Hank.

Back at the White Ranch I see two things that make my stomach turn, a camera set up for recording and Skylar in a earth tone track suit.

We know what's coming.

NOW WAIT JUST A GOSH DARN MINUTE. There is NOT about to be a sit-down dinner between these two couples in a Chilis-esque restaurant. This will be a great idea guys, enchiladas, guac, and a heated discussion of my involvement in the meth business. 

ARE YOU ALL WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW?

ARE WE ALL WATCHING WALT'S CONFESSION PIN THE ENTIRE THING ON HANK.

I'M LAUGHING- NOT OUT LOUD-BUT I AM LAUGHING.

THIS SHOW, MAN

This meeting between the Three Amigos in the desert is all very serious until we get a glimpse of Saul's license plate, "LWYRUP."

It snaps right back to being very serious when Jesse starts crying and then there's a hug.

A hug.

What we're seeing.

What we're all thinking.

Now that we have Jesse speaking again, Skylar takes a note from Roger Daltrey in the rock opera, Tommy.

Saul suggests that Jesse leaves town and heads to Alaska.

Alaska's good.
You already have the scruffy beard for it, man.
By all means find your way onto one of those crabbing boats from Deadliest Catch and make a new life for yourself.

ARE THOSE THE RICIN CIGARETTES?!

IS JESSE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SAUL?!

IS HE REALLY WEARING A NEON YELLOW DRESS SHIRT?!

IS WALT GRABBING A HANDGUN OUT OF THE SODA MACHINE?!

IS JESSE GOING TO TORCH THE WHITE'S HOUSE?!

ARE THOSE MY EYES BUGGING OUT OF MY HEAD?!

I need to sit down.
I'm already sitting down.
Maybe I need to take a Xanax.

Maybe I just need to flip over to MTV to see N*SYNC reunite.

Hank Does Not Tread Lightly. He Stomps All Over The Place.

Tonight on Breaking Bad:

I half-expect the opening scene to be Walt and Jesse just staring at each other, heavily breathing. 

Instead we have an old dude in a hunting hat, revving up his old Chrysler truck and following the happy trail of cash that Jesse chucked out the window last episode. 

This duffle bag money has me nervous. 

Almost as nervous as that time I lost my mom in Zaney Brainy and cried and had to go to the customer service desk. 

Jesse has flown over the cuckoo's nest. 

He's completely lost it. 

Walt flees from the scene in Hank's garage, leading us to this tender moment between Skylar and her beloved brother-in-law in a diner. Hank whips out the microphone and asks Skylar to spill all the secrets and give the most spur-of-the-moment statement in his DEA career. 

#AmIUnderArrest ?!?!

Now we're in a storage unit. 

And there's a hot-tub sized stack of money. 

I'd swim in that big pile of money. 

Homeboy's go the right idea. 

Who needs a SleepNumber when you have butt loads of Benjamins?

Judging by how often Saul dons purple shirts, ties, and pocket squares, there may be a valid theory that he and Marie are sneaking around. Just a theory. Like how Walt goes into the Witness Protection Program and becomes the dad on Malcolm in the Middle. 

Why are we driving out into the desert? 

Only bad things happen in the desert. 

Marie shows up the White Residence looking for some girl time/ tell-me-all-about-your-drug-lord-husband time. 

Okay, okay so Walt wasn't necessarily a drug lord- just a producer/distributor and he killed some people. 

What title does that give him? 

Marie, are you really trying to take the baby?! You'd try to dress her up in plum colored shirts and enter her in baby pageants.

Baby Holly can't be in the New Mexico Pageant Circuit because Honey Boo Boo or her mom would probably eat her. 

Back in the desert, Walt is digging holes. I feel like I've seen this before. 

Is he burying the methylamine?

Or is it the money? 

His dignity? 

Where's Junior?

Could he be in one of those barrels?

He's also buying expensive coordinates equipment and smashing it with rocks. 

So there's that. 

Andrea's working that blue pea coat and managing to create diamonds out of the lumps of coal metaphorically stuck up her ass. 

It's a reference, guys. Get on your 80's movie game faces.

TODD? TODD, IS THAT YOU?

Oh, good Jesse's back...being questioned by the cops and still dead in the eyes. 

He better call Saul. 

See you next week. 

I Am The One Who Knocks On Your Door and Asks for a Tissue Because Fans Will Be Sobbing After This Show Ends

Sorry for the delay on this post. The commute to Manhattan every day has me in a zombie-like state by the time I come home. 

Last Season on Breaking Bad, the level of crazy escalated at the same rate as Amanda Bynes' insanity. 

So naturally, this premiere had viewers champing at the bit to see how Hank would handle the discovery of Walt's secret, how the show would go on without Mike, and if Jesse finally found a pair of pants that fit him. 

They open with the usual 5 minute scene where there's no dialogue and it just builds the tension up that much more. 

We see that this first scene is a flash forward segment with a hairy Bryan Cranston. The house is torn apart and we're expected to believe Walt has either been presumed dead or something REALLY good happens in the finale that causes the neighbor to drop her bag of groceries in shock.

This is all great tension-building stuff, don't get me wrong. But all the while I'm internally screaming, "WHERE'S JESSE?!"

Hank's panic attack is similar to the ride from the Chocolate Room in WIlly Wonka. 

There's no earthly way of knowing

                                                       Which direction we are going
                                                There's no knowing where we're rowing
                                                      Or which way the river's flowing

Finally we get a glimpse of Jesse. And for a treat, he is joined by Badger and Skinny Pete.

Badger's bad Star Trek episode needs to be put into production, ASAP. 

I'd watch this show. 

Oh wait, someone already did.
I need a 'Yeah, bitch' out of Jesse and I need it now.

Depressed Jesse is riveting though. Here he is giving his $5 million to Mike's grandaughter and the dirt bike kids family.

So, Skylar and Walt are solely living off of the car wash? Oh, right, and all that dirty drug money. Casual.

Andrea makes an appearance at the car wash and I wish Mike were still alive to threaten her. Skylar sure as hell isn't intimidating enough.

Walt visits Jesse and can you all sense the parallels? All they need now is a Winnebago and some tighty whities and we're back in business. 

Scene cut to Saul's waiting room and a pissed Jesse, smoking a joint to get what he wants. 

Do not tell me Jesse is going to give this hobo all the money. This hobo who looks like a thin and and older Quest Love from The Roots gets a stack of cash.

The Hank and Walt showdown is inevitable. Except I didn't expect the tracker to be brought up and the showdown to happen so early in the season. When that garage door goes down you know it's about to get real.

Walt pleads with Hank to stop and think. With his cancer returning he explains that, "In six months you won't have someone to prosecute." 

I'm usually all amped up for a good Heisenberg monologue, but this was border line groveling. Granted, it's groveling that shows how this character still retains a sense of crippling fear and love for his family. 

BY THE WAY-

Don't overlook the fact that this show is so freaking brilliant that the entire series is summed up in a chemistry metaphor within the first seven minutes of the pilot.

And if you don't think that's the tightest shit, then get out of my face. 

I mean, it's like they're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga. 

Until next week, kids...

Finale Part 2: The Last Bachelorette Blog

Tonight I am blogging from the Rossi’s house. Mrs. Rossi has prepared a DELICIOUS Eggplant Parmesan dinner and gotten us all Bachelorette themed party masks and goodies to celebrate the end of this terrible, terrible season. 

We filled out slips of paper with our predictions. 

Will she leave the show? 

Will the other guys get upset and leave too? 

Will Drew and Chris run away...together? 

Tonight is also the night where Des chooses her hunka-hunka burnin' love.

She may run away crying because the sting of the loss of Brooks will never fade. 

So that leaves us all with one question on our minds. 

How tall is Chris Harrison? 

WWDD?

(What Will Desiree Do?)

Des can’t seem to answer any sort of question without choking on the words and dabbing at her eyes with a hanky she cut from one of Brooks’ Henley tees. 

“It’s not what I wanted.”

You can’t always get what you want, Des. 

“If this isn’t what I want, I think it might be over.”

Well, we have about an hour and 47 minutes left in tonight’s episode so please explain to me what I am supposed to do with my life until then. 

Drew accepts the rose.

Chris accepts the rose. 

I’ve accepted that whoever composed this background music has compelled me to fling myself in front of a moving vehicle. 

Snaps to the girl speaking for all of “Bachelor Nation” to have ombre hair, a nose ring, and being so painfully an obviously from the valley. 

Drew’s date

If this horseback riding date ends up anything like a scene out of War Horse, I’m excited. 

But it looks like they’ll just end up crying and sweating on the beach. 

So it’s a scene out of Castaway instead. 

I’ll take it. 

Drew gets dumped.

That’s it.

He shows nothing but pure bewilderment which slowly turns into a creepy catatonic state that for some reason has the estrogen in that live studio raging like Lollapalooza. 

Chris’ Date

“Welcome!” exclaims awkwardly adorable Chris.

We were all thinking it...

They board a boat for- YOU GUESSED IT- an island adventure! 

I really think Des is more into saying ‘catamaran’ than anything else happening on this date. 

Chris is really sweet and comforting and most importantly, INTO HER, so that’s a plus. 

“Not many people can handle this experience...it’s like...emotionally draining” 

And stupid. 

Don’t forget stupid. 

He gives her a journal of poems and quotes wrapped with rope he wove from his chest hairs. 

“It feels so weird, but it feels good." Like putting ranch dressing on your pizza. 

Family Time

The brother returns. And he is interrogating Chris like he is Clare Danes in Homeland. 

He likes Chris.

It’s a done deal.

...I hope.

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chris To The Second Power enters the engagement site and we see that Contestant Chris is sweating like Kirstie Allie on an elliptical.

In fact, he is sweating so much the hand written poem he wrote is illegible because the paper is soaked and the ink is running with the moisture of his sopping palms. 

His little speech is adorable until she stops him from getting down on one knee. 

BUT THANK BEYONCE, SHE CAME TO HER SENSES. 

FOR ONCE, MY FAVORITE ACTUALLY WON. 

Wait, no private concert for the happy couple? 

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Des is still engaged. 

Brooks is in the building. 

Drew has frosted tips.

Chris dresses like Don Draper.

JUAN PABLO IS THE NEXT BACHELOR.

I still don’t really care. 

Fond Farewells

This is the last Bachelor/Bachelorette blog for #marnieproblems. We had a good, long run and it’s time for something new. 

With that being said, tune in next week for my review of the final season of AMC’s Breaking Bad. 

Bachelorette Finale Part 1: They're Seriously Milking This Thing

This week’s episode and first part of the finale takes place on the tropical island of Antigua. But no one cares where they are because we just want tears. 

LET THERE BE TEARS. 

I've been crying for different reasons. 

As Des looks back at her journey and all the hearts she crushed, I bask in the all the pain and salty man-tears she brought to the small screen. 

Des describes what she loves about each of the remaining men. 

Chris has a playfulness to him, like an 8 year old boy who writes poetry. 

Drew has a rockin’ bod, really great taste in oxford shirts and scores a hard 6 on the Kinsey Scale. 

Brooks is everything Des could ever want in a man. But does he love her more than his luscious, raven hair? Eh...debatable. 

Drew’s Date

"OH MY GAWD A TOTALLY RANDOM
 PARTY HOW FUNNY IS THAT?!"

“Des and I pull up to this old house in Antigua and there’s a party going on!”

They’re buying cheap island knick-knacks and Drew claims they’ll put this crap in their house someday. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE- he mentions a future house/ life together- 100% guarantee that it will not happen. 

What's with Drew whittling away at that pineapple? Could ABC not just get them some diced fruit? A nice spread with some gruyere cheese, perhaps?

“I feel bad because he’s going to go back to work and everyone’s going to make fun of him.”- Genna Rossi, viewer and friend. 

Drew and Des go directly to the fantasy suite- not because Des asked and Drew said yes, but because it’s monsoon season on the island and it’s raining on their bonfire beach dinner. 

Say it with me, tropic seasonal scheduling.

Chris’s Date

Chris and Des take a ride in a helicopter over the island. Des looks like she is dressed for a N.E.R.D video or a slutty Free People photo shoot. 

I can’t concentrate on the psycho babble they’re saying because there is a high-pitched bird symphony happening in the jungle behind them. This feels like a scene out of Catching Fire, in theaters this November. 

Hire me, Lions Gate Entertainment

We get the first serious conversation about location/relationship future potential. Chris explains that Seattle is the place where he wants to be to work, raise a family, and continue to recycle 87 different ways. 

Brooks’ Date and Dash

Confused. That is what is written all over Brooks’ angelic face. Is he confused about Des? How he feels? Exactly what is the electoral college? Who shot JR? Why did the Sopranos end like that? 

Let’s not sugar coat it. Brooks is Des’ favorite. She has stated multiple times that she loves him. She gushed over him the most and claims that although she is falling in love with Drew and Chris- her love river for Brooks goes so deep and strong that your covered wagon from Oregon Trail wouldn’t cross safely and your entire party would die of cholera. 

We’re all waiting for Brooks to just say it.

He doesn’t want her goodies. He’s over it. He’s not about the Des Life. 

Chris Harrison is pissed. As someone who just got divorced, he demands answers as to why Brooks feels the way he does, but can’t quite articulate. 

ugh. 

“This is the last thing I want to do to Des.” No, I believe that would be to marry her, Brooksy. 

This break up is so prolonged. All the hugging in the world won’t make that full head of lettuce love you any more, girl. 

Brooks gets a little mad when she finally told him that she loves him- when he claims she never told him or let him believe that. 

Des sets the record straight- “I TOLD YOU I WAS RUNNING TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE.” 

You can't even get  your running metaphors for love straight, dude. 

WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU?

“I don’t care that you just broke my heart, I still love you." 

Just stop saying sorry. You’re not sorry. 

I know I said I wanted tears. 

But this is enough. 

I’m good. 

This can be over now. 

NEXT WEEK

Finale part deux.

Des is still crying. 

Chris Harrison is still saying “finale” weird. 

So, nothing new.