Bachelorette Finale Part 1: They're Seriously Milking This Thing

This week’s episode and first part of the finale takes place on the tropical island of Antigua. But no one cares where they are because we just want tears. 

LET THERE BE TEARS. 

I've been crying for different reasons. 

As Des looks back at her journey and all the hearts she crushed, I bask in the all the pain and salty man-tears she brought to the small screen. 

Des describes what she loves about each of the remaining men. 

Chris has a playfulness to him, like an 8 year old boy who writes poetry. 

Drew has a rockin’ bod, really great taste in oxford shirts and scores a hard 6 on the Kinsey Scale. 

Brooks is everything Des could ever want in a man. But does he love her more than his luscious, raven hair? Eh...debatable. 

Drew’s Date

"OH MY GAWD A TOTALLY RANDOM
 PARTY HOW FUNNY IS THAT?!"

“Des and I pull up to this old house in Antigua and there’s a party going on!”

They’re buying cheap island knick-knacks and Drew claims they’ll put this crap in their house someday. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE- he mentions a future house/ life together- 100% guarantee that it will not happen. 

What's with Drew whittling away at that pineapple? Could ABC not just get them some diced fruit? A nice spread with some gruyere cheese, perhaps?

“I feel bad because he’s going to go back to work and everyone’s going to make fun of him.”- Genna Rossi, viewer and friend. 

Drew and Des go directly to the fantasy suite- not because Des asked and Drew said yes, but because it’s monsoon season on the island and it’s raining on their bonfire beach dinner. 

Say it with me, tropic seasonal scheduling.

Chris’s Date

Chris and Des take a ride in a helicopter over the island. Des looks like she is dressed for a N.E.R.D video or a slutty Free People photo shoot. 

I can’t concentrate on the psycho babble they’re saying because there is a high-pitched bird symphony happening in the jungle behind them. This feels like a scene out of Catching Fire, in theaters this November. 

Hire me, Lions Gate Entertainment

We get the first serious conversation about location/relationship future potential. Chris explains that Seattle is the place where he wants to be to work, raise a family, and continue to recycle 87 different ways. 

Brooks’ Date and Dash

Confused. That is what is written all over Brooks’ angelic face. Is he confused about Des? How he feels? Exactly what is the electoral college? Who shot JR? Why did the Sopranos end like that? 

Let’s not sugar coat it. Brooks is Des’ favorite. She has stated multiple times that she loves him. She gushed over him the most and claims that although she is falling in love with Drew and Chris- her love river for Brooks goes so deep and strong that your covered wagon from Oregon Trail wouldn’t cross safely and your entire party would die of cholera. 

We’re all waiting for Brooks to just say it.

He doesn’t want her goodies. He’s over it. He’s not about the Des Life. 

Chris Harrison is pissed. As someone who just got divorced, he demands answers as to why Brooks feels the way he does, but can’t quite articulate. 

ugh. 

“This is the last thing I want to do to Des.” No, I believe that would be to marry her, Brooksy. 

This break up is so prolonged. All the hugging in the world won’t make that full head of lettuce love you any more, girl. 

Brooks gets a little mad when she finally told him that she loves him- when he claims she never told him or let him believe that. 

Des sets the record straight- “I TOLD YOU I WAS RUNNING TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE.” 

You can't even get  your running metaphors for love straight, dude. 

WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU?

“I don’t care that you just broke my heart, I still love you." 

Just stop saying sorry. You’re not sorry. 

I know I said I wanted tears. 

But this is enough. 

I’m good. 

This can be over now. 

NEXT WEEK

Finale part deux.

Des is still crying. 

Chris Harrison is still saying “finale” weird. 

So, nothing new. 

The Girl Who Turned Down The Family Snow Cone Business

This is the mother of all Bachelorette episodes, Hometown Dates.

Desiree meets the remaining men's families across the country.

The search for Most Awkward Mother-Future Daughter-in-law interaction may end after Des makes the rounds and gets a glimpse of what her life would be like with each of these guys.

Also, please note that this means there are only two more episodes left in the season and we all will be able to go read a book or something and start regenerating healthy brain cells.

It's time to meet the parents, Des.

Dallas

Zak hails from the Dallas, Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright just like his crazy-ass eyes.
While explaining his trippy dream about melting sand and snowstorms, I become about 85% sure that Zak takes copious hits of peyote.

I mean, he must take something if he willingly works for the family snow cone business. Snow cones are the red headed stepchild of summer desserts. They're not really wanted, but if they're there they can be minimally acknowledged and passed off as acceptable.

His family was just as horrified as we were when hearing about his limo entrance:
Yeah I came out of the limo without my shirt on and I asked her if she'd accept my abs. 

What's really sad about his while hometown visit is that Zak's brother is way better looking than he is, and Des might definitely, 100%, positively notice this.

Zak's equally zany mother pushes the rose thing too hard and subtly demands her son should win the whole competition. Des forces nervous laughter, probably because she's already imagining how to dump the poor guy and because his mom's hair looks like she took a pair of lefty children's scissors and Sun-In to her head and said Yeah, this looks good. 

What really got me going was when Zak and his siblings went Partridge Family on us and started serenading Des as she uncomfortably cried because she couldn't cover her ears or leave the room.

Scottsdale

Des got herself a spray tan before visiting Drew in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Fun fact about D-squared, their voices are the same octave and they have matching pink button downs.

Drew's hair must have so much oil in it that I could get myself some focaccia bread and garlic and have a nice little mid-show snack.

"This is the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with."

You have about a 25% chance of that actually coming to fruition, dude.

I sense his mother is super into his love life and wants to make sure her baby boy is doing okay.

Drew is the youngest and I'm worried that he's a huge pussy. 

Oregon 

Chris and Des meet up at the youth baseball field where Chris played as a young whippersnapper.
Apparently he played "professionally." Meaning, he probably played AAA ball before discovering his passion for Finance and/or throwing out his shoulder.

Note that Chris is always showing her his shitty poetry, so naturally she shows him her shitty drawings as they sit on the pitcher's mound in matching outfits.


Back at Chris' parent's house, Des gets her back adjusted and Chris gets some weird nose thing done where the entire nation (and Canada) sees his snoogies and his dad's chiropractic practice gets some free exposure.

Des and Chris' mom have a very monotone chat about the usual topics one would discuss with their son's TV girlfriend.

The cool thing about Chris' mom is that she knows what up with the real world stuff. She's on the fence because this is a television show and they essentially live in a fantasy world full of sunshine and rainbows and free private concerts.

The real world isn't like that. If you want to go to a free concert you have to line up along 5th avenue at 2AM and tweet annoying things at Matt Lauer to get tickets. Trust me. I've been there.

Salt Lake City

Who is that I see prancing over the hillside in a plaid shirt and jeans? Paul Bunyan? No, it's Brooks.

"I love Brooks" admits Desiree.

She's in too deep.

I think Brooks is going to break Des' heart into a million little pieces and then put those pieces into a blender and then press puree.


Did anyone else notice how he shows up to his parent's house with a solitary bottle of beer?

We see the hoards of people that are Brooks' family.
They're all color coordinated and are wearing nametags.
I'd feel like I was walking into Walmart, not a family get together. I half expected Brook's brother to shake Des' hand and ask "Do you need help finding anything today?".

While Des was inside getting fawned over by Brooks' mother, the men basically reenact the Summer Nights dialogue from Grease. Except Brooks is Sandy in this situation.

Tell me more. Tell me more. Can she hang with you? Tell me more. Tell me more. Is this the woman you want to say 'I do' to? 

We didn't see much of Des' brother. I hope he does get his turn to mess with these guys and give the seal of approval before Des makes her final choice. There's a douchey, yet real quality to her brother that deserves to be shown on this show.

Rose Ceremony

Zak is the last man on the totem pole tonight. It's okay, Zak. Go listen to some Ed Sheeran. Eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's. Go back to that dark place you were talking about in the limo and burrito blanket yourself while watching Sleepless in Seattle on Netflix and it'll get better.

NEXT TIME

I'm making a prediction. In the end she chooses Brooks, Drew realizes he wants to actually be an Ice Dancer and Chris is the next Bachelor.

Oh.. and The Men Tell All.

I Expected Tears And All I Got Was Annoying Laughter

Des and her merry band of biceps are off to Maidera Island. Just off the coast of Africa, this island is far enough from the mainland so the natives can't hear Little Boy Drew sob uncontrollably every time Des blinks. 

Desiree invites her besties from Hot Ass Sean's season, Lesley, Jackie and the winner, Catherine, to the island for some girl talk and shameless binocular usage.

Des: How are you and Sean doing?
Catherine: We wear horm-rimmed glasses and turtle necks with the sleeves cut off, so it's like, really great.

What the ladies were really thinking as Des flaunted the guys

It's nice for Desiree to have some girl time with her friends and former competitors. They were all once thirsty for the same hot bod and now 2/3 of them can be jealous as she parades the beefackes poolside. Jackie can't control herself when demanding that Brooks take his top off. Keep it in your pants, Jackie.



Brooks' Date

Brooks is a really upfront kind of dude. He tells Des flat out that he wants to hold her hand and bake cookies and call her his wife and kiss her booboos and balance her check book and clip her toenails and iron her delicates and let her call him "Pookie" or "Shmoofin."

Does Brooks style himself? Did he pair that chambray shirt with that striped sweater on his own or does he take his styling tips from Carlton Banks?

I wasn't paying attention when they were talking about running as a metaphor for their relationship. But my ears did perk up when he stated that he is "behind in his emotional development." Could this be one of the reasons Des was ugly crying in the promos/ why I was legitimately excited to watch this episode?

Chris' Date

Des and Chris set out on a yacht for some alone time.

I'm sailing. I'm a sailor. I sail now. 

I hope that the production team advises these two to reapply sunscreen while on that boat. I spent two hours on a dingy in Long Island and the UV rays still penetrated the SPF 180 I'd marinated in just before boarding.

There's going to do a message in a bottle. I'll send an SOS to the world to replenish my brain cells.

Why must Chris always incorporate poems into these dates?
They're not even good poems.
Rhyming will only get you so far, dude.

Roses are red, violets are blue, give me the rose, or I'll literally throw myself off these cloudy ass cliffs. 

Chris wants to tell Des that he loves her but his manberries are schvitzing and he can't manage to spit the words out.

So, naturally, he reads some more shitty poetry.

But despite it all, I like you, Dr. Seuss.

Michael's Date

Betus Mike is kind of like Des' bitch. He follows her around while she goes shopping and carries her bags. He gets her a medium decaf iced hazelnut coffee light and sweet with three pumps of caramel and huge loogie courtesy of the barista for ordering the most classic white girl drink known to man.

Do I spy couch surfing? I'd be down for that. Give me a helmet and a strong wifi connection and I'd surf that couch all over the place.

Keep playing the diabetes card, Michael.
A broken pancreas won't save you from a broken heart.

Michael "literally collapsed" when he found out his ex was cheating on him. Are you sure it wasn't due to low blood sugar Michael? Sometimes when he's mackin' on Des I feel like he's searching for glucose tabs hidden inside her mouth. #diabeticjokes

Do sub-par, raspy voiced street singers count as a private concert?

2-On-1 Date

Des wants to see Drew let loose and pull that tree branch out of his butt.

While on this go-karting date, Drew uses he blinker while simultaneously using hand signals and braking for squirrels.

Drew is essentially Captain America- if Captain America worked in finance and had the voice of an altar boy.

Do the men ever get sick of drinking wine? How much do we want to bet that at multiple points during filming they were all clawing at the chateau doors for a case of Bud Light?

Zak and Des scamper off to a quaint heap of tires and look at Zak's coloring book. Oh sorry, his sketchbook. Are those incredibly phallic images supposed to subliminal? Because they're clear as day. Draw some veins on that "volcano" and you've got yourself a scenic dick pic.

Drew is so overly feminine it makes Richard Simmons seem butch.



Rose Ceremony

This is a special Rose Ceremony because this will lock in the final four men and lead us to next week's hometown date episode.

Des has a hard decision to make given that the only person she has given a rose to, and therefore a definite hometown date, is Drew.

WAIT. Did she just say she loves Brooks?
Is she allowed to say that?
Why hasn't she been crying more in this episode.

 "I can picture a life with Brooks and it would be full and long lasting...like his hair."

I was anticipating heartbreak, constant tears, and copious amounts of entertainment as a result of her pain and sorrow.

Betus Mike is let go. Michael I'm sorry, but your failed pancreas now has a crying buddy in your trampled heart. Just go eat a whole mess of Ben and Jerry's, and don't forget to bolus! #diabetichumor.

NEXT WEEK

HOMETOWN WEEK. THE BEST WEEK.

And her seedy brother gets to mess with the guys.

Los Chicos Antipaticos: Bachelorette Does Barca

This week Des and her dudes are soaking up the Spanish culture in Barcelona.

Desiree walks through the cobblestone streets of the city saying that it's the perfect place to fall in love. I'm pretty sure she said the same thing about Munich...and every other place they've been.

Drew's Date

Drew gets the first one-on-one date and is going to totally screw it up by bitching about the drama with James.

Ten minutes into the date and Drew has already geeked out, cried, and drank dirty fountain water.

If the whole date is going to be Little Boy Drew sobbing into Desiree's bony shoulder, I quit right now.

I also quit if he says guitaristas one more time.

Drew grabs Des' arm and pulls her away from their fancy shmancy dinner and runs around the corner into the alley to mack on her against the stone wall. If that was an attempt to get away from the cameras, consider it a poor one because those vultures follow you everywhere.

Back at the hotel, Juan Pablo is bummed about not getting the other one-on-one date because he's away from his daughter.
This is legitimately the season of single dads.
Guys, did you not try eHarmony or Match.com first?
Are there no cute single soccer moms out there?
No 27 year old preschool teachers?

Group Date

Betus Mike is rocking the sweatband because he knows Juan Pablo is in his element and is going to light 'em up.

Kasey cackles when the professional woman's team comes out. Watch your back, little girly man.

James is literally afraid of the ball, which refutes my hypothesis that he is for dudes

At the cocktail party it's confrontation time. The guys hound James for saying what they all were thinking- once you're in the final four there is Bachelor potential. Which is 100% true, by the way.

When was the last time we had a Bachlor or Bachelorette that wasn't hired from the inside?

Not since 'Nam.

"It's like you're auditioning for the Jersey Shore" - Betus Mike.

I believe you're thinking of our fallen friend, Mikey T.

Des and Chris sneak off to a room to snuggle and be cute, when she whips out a poem she wrote.

I would roll my eyes right now but my doctor said if  I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs. 

James goes to have a serious talk with Des but mistakenly lays down like he wants to be painted like one of Leo DiCaprio's french girls.

I was okay with James and Des becoming a thing until he starts crying because he feels excluded. What is this, middle school?

Drew and Kasey called me a bitch and Michael G uninvited me to his pool party. I'm gonna go home and change my away message to sad song lyrics while I eat cookie dough. 

I laugh uncontrollably as he sobs in the car and tears roll down his tree trunk neck.

Zak's Date

Crazy Eyes is excited for Barcelona. I don't think his eyes could bulge out of his skull any more.

Well, I did think that until the nude model walked in.

Los ojos de Zak son grande tan globos.

Zak hops into the spotlight and models for Des in his tighty whiteys. ABC does us all a solid and blurs out the tip of "Little Zak" in an effort to not traumatize the children.

They mack it a little and she taunts him with the rose. How much do we want to bet that the guys totally don't need to hear Des' spiel before they get the rose they're just like "I want the freaking flower give me the flower the flower is mine."

What if the next Bachelor wants to change it up and go with a new type of flower to give to the contestants. Mindy the Dental Hygenist, will you accept this hydrangea bush? 

James and Des hash it out and James walks away with serious boob sweat after she decides to keep him around.

Rose Ceremony

Three of these guys are going home tonight. That means we are three weeks closer to the finale and Hometown dates are in two weeks. You all know how much I love Hometown dates.

WOAH. Des sent off her spicy chalupa Juan  Pablo, cut Kasey, and gipped James. He was the favorite to win and Des let him believe everything was good in the hood.

Next Week

Are they all leaving her?

Why is she crying the whole time?

UGH. Now I'm actually intrigued and want to watch next week's episode.

QUICK. Somebody knock some sense into me.

15 Reasons Why Everyone Should Watch The League

If you aren't watching The League on FX, you must be a Nickelback fan and an avid wearer of Crocs.

Here are some of the reasons why you should tune into FX Thursdays at 10:30PM.

1. Lord of the Rings references. 

2. Even the Fresh Prince isn't safe. 

3. It brings awareness to mental instability. 

4. It finally finds an appropriate analogy for that friend that nobody likes. 

5. It shatters the glass (pun intended) about your beloved iPhone. 

6. NFL player cameos. 

7. It teaches us about our rights. 

8. Jeff Goldblum as Ruxin's dad. 

9. It makes us question religion. 

10. Lines we will drunkenly repeat to our friends when we go out and someone is being lame. 

11. The fashion. 

 12. It makes you realize your problems are, for the most part, stupid. 

13. Andre is always ridiculous and the rest of the group is always busting his balls. 

14. It explains the wonders of being a father. 

15. Rafi. "El Cuñado"