I'm Going To Need To Sit Down After Watching This Episode

Did you all have a conniption last week when  Hank entered the interrogation room and they cut to the freaking credits?

I did.
And I'm having another episode now that TODD is back.

And he is a blabber mouth.
He's like the Perez Hilton of Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Excuse creepy pony tail man as he wipes blood off of his black leather boots.

Excuse me again as I hyperventilate as Hank focuses the camera on Jesse's slack-jawed face.

"Eat me."
The first word we get out of Jesse since 'Nam.

"Happy people just don't go around throwing millions of dollars away."

Here comes Saul, spitting game and making Rocky references that have my father in stitches.

Jesse returns to his mute state.

Walt chooses the moment after he smears concealer under his eyes to tell his son about his cancer relapse in order to keep him from going to see Crazy Aunt Marie and Ticking-Time-Bomb Uncle Hank.

Back at the White Ranch I see two things that make my stomach turn, a camera set up for recording and Skylar in a earth tone track suit.

We know what's coming.

NOW WAIT JUST A GOSH DARN MINUTE. There is NOT about to be a sit-down dinner between these two couples in a Chilis-esque restaurant. This will be a great idea guys, enchiladas, guac, and a heated discussion of my involvement in the meth business. 

ARE YOU ALL WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW?

ARE WE ALL WATCHING WALT'S CONFESSION PIN THE ENTIRE THING ON HANK.

I'M LAUGHING- NOT OUT LOUD-BUT I AM LAUGHING.

THIS SHOW, MAN

This meeting between the Three Amigos in the desert is all very serious until we get a glimpse of Saul's license plate, "LWYRUP."

It snaps right back to being very serious when Jesse starts crying and then there's a hug.

A hug.

What we're seeing.

What we're all thinking.

Now that we have Jesse speaking again, Skylar takes a note from Roger Daltrey in the rock opera, Tommy.

Saul suggests that Jesse leaves town and heads to Alaska.

Alaska's good.
You already have the scruffy beard for it, man.
By all means find your way onto one of those crabbing boats from Deadliest Catch and make a new life for yourself.

ARE THOSE THE RICIN CIGARETTES?!

IS JESSE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SAUL?!

IS HE REALLY WEARING A NEON YELLOW DRESS SHIRT?!

IS WALT GRABBING A HANDGUN OUT OF THE SODA MACHINE?!

IS JESSE GOING TO TORCH THE WHITE'S HOUSE?!

ARE THOSE MY EYES BUGGING OUT OF MY HEAD?!

I need to sit down.
I'm already sitting down.
Maybe I need to take a Xanax.

Maybe I just need to flip over to MTV to see N*SYNC reunite.

Hank Does Not Tread Lightly. He Stomps All Over The Place.

Tonight on Breaking Bad:

I half-expect the opening scene to be Walt and Jesse just staring at each other, heavily breathing. 

Instead we have an old dude in a hunting hat, revving up his old Chrysler truck and following the happy trail of cash that Jesse chucked out the window last episode. 

This duffle bag money has me nervous. 

Almost as nervous as that time I lost my mom in Zaney Brainy and cried and had to go to the customer service desk. 

Jesse has flown over the cuckoo's nest. 

He's completely lost it. 

Walt flees from the scene in Hank's garage, leading us to this tender moment between Skylar and her beloved brother-in-law in a diner. Hank whips out the microphone and asks Skylar to spill all the secrets and give the most spur-of-the-moment statement in his DEA career. 

#AmIUnderArrest ?!?!

Now we're in a storage unit. 

And there's a hot-tub sized stack of money. 

I'd swim in that big pile of money. 

Homeboy's go the right idea. 

Who needs a SleepNumber when you have butt loads of Benjamins?

Judging by how often Saul dons purple shirts, ties, and pocket squares, there may be a valid theory that he and Marie are sneaking around. Just a theory. Like how Walt goes into the Witness Protection Program and becomes the dad on Malcolm in the Middle. 

Why are we driving out into the desert? 

Only bad things happen in the desert. 

Marie shows up the White Residence looking for some girl time/ tell-me-all-about-your-drug-lord-husband time. 

Okay, okay so Walt wasn't necessarily a drug lord- just a producer/distributor and he killed some people. 

What title does that give him? 

Marie, are you really trying to take the baby?! You'd try to dress her up in plum colored shirts and enter her in baby pageants.

Baby Holly can't be in the New Mexico Pageant Circuit because Honey Boo Boo or her mom would probably eat her. 

Back in the desert, Walt is digging holes. I feel like I've seen this before. 

Is he burying the methylamine?

Or is it the money? 

His dignity? 

Where's Junior?

Could he be in one of those barrels?

He's also buying expensive coordinates equipment and smashing it with rocks. 

So there's that. 

Andrea's working that blue pea coat and managing to create diamonds out of the lumps of coal metaphorically stuck up her ass. 

It's a reference, guys. Get on your 80's movie game faces.

TODD? TODD, IS THAT YOU?

Oh, good Jesse's back...being questioned by the cops and still dead in the eyes. 

He better call Saul. 

See you next week. 

I Am The One Who Knocks On Your Door and Asks for a Tissue Because Fans Will Be Sobbing After This Show Ends

Sorry for the delay on this post. The commute to Manhattan every day has me in a zombie-like state by the time I come home. 

Last Season on Breaking Bad, the level of crazy escalated at the same rate as Amanda Bynes' insanity. 

So naturally, this premiere had viewers champing at the bit to see how Hank would handle the discovery of Walt's secret, how the show would go on without Mike, and if Jesse finally found a pair of pants that fit him. 

They open with the usual 5 minute scene where there's no dialogue and it just builds the tension up that much more. 

We see that this first scene is a flash forward segment with a hairy Bryan Cranston. The house is torn apart and we're expected to believe Walt has either been presumed dead or something REALLY good happens in the finale that causes the neighbor to drop her bag of groceries in shock.

This is all great tension-building stuff, don't get me wrong. But all the while I'm internally screaming, "WHERE'S JESSE?!"

Hank's panic attack is similar to the ride from the Chocolate Room in WIlly Wonka. 

There's no earthly way of knowing

                                                       Which direction we are going
                                                There's no knowing where we're rowing
                                                      Or which way the river's flowing

Finally we get a glimpse of Jesse. And for a treat, he is joined by Badger and Skinny Pete.

Badger's bad Star Trek episode needs to be put into production, ASAP. 

I'd watch this show. 

Oh wait, someone already did.
I need a 'Yeah, bitch' out of Jesse and I need it now.

Depressed Jesse is riveting though. Here he is giving his $5 million to Mike's grandaughter and the dirt bike kids family.

So, Skylar and Walt are solely living off of the car wash? Oh, right, and all that dirty drug money. Casual.

Andrea makes an appearance at the car wash and I wish Mike were still alive to threaten her. Skylar sure as hell isn't intimidating enough.

Walt visits Jesse and can you all sense the parallels? All they need now is a Winnebago and some tighty whities and we're back in business. 

Scene cut to Saul's waiting room and a pissed Jesse, smoking a joint to get what he wants. 

Do not tell me Jesse is going to give this hobo all the money. This hobo who looks like a thin and and older Quest Love from The Roots gets a stack of cash.

The Hank and Walt showdown is inevitable. Except I didn't expect the tracker to be brought up and the showdown to happen so early in the season. When that garage door goes down you know it's about to get real.

Walt pleads with Hank to stop and think. With his cancer returning he explains that, "In six months you won't have someone to prosecute." 

I'm usually all amped up for a good Heisenberg monologue, but this was border line groveling. Granted, it's groveling that shows how this character still retains a sense of crippling fear and love for his family. 

BY THE WAY-

Don't overlook the fact that this show is so freaking brilliant that the entire series is summed up in a chemistry metaphor within the first seven minutes of the pilot.

And if you don't think that's the tightest shit, then get out of my face. 

I mean, it's like they're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga. 

Until next week, kids...

Finale Part 2: The Last Bachelorette Blog

Tonight I am blogging from the Rossi’s house. Mrs. Rossi has prepared a DELICIOUS Eggplant Parmesan dinner and gotten us all Bachelorette themed party masks and goodies to celebrate the end of this terrible, terrible season. 

We filled out slips of paper with our predictions. 

Will she leave the show? 

Will the other guys get upset and leave too? 

Will Drew and Chris run away...together? 

Tonight is also the night where Des chooses her hunka-hunka burnin' love.

She may run away crying because the sting of the loss of Brooks will never fade. 

So that leaves us all with one question on our minds. 

How tall is Chris Harrison? 

WWDD?

(What Will Desiree Do?)

Des can’t seem to answer any sort of question without choking on the words and dabbing at her eyes with a hanky she cut from one of Brooks’ Henley tees. 

“It’s not what I wanted.”

You can’t always get what you want, Des. 

“If this isn’t what I want, I think it might be over.”

Well, we have about an hour and 47 minutes left in tonight’s episode so please explain to me what I am supposed to do with my life until then. 

Drew accepts the rose.

Chris accepts the rose. 

I’ve accepted that whoever composed this background music has compelled me to fling myself in front of a moving vehicle. 

Snaps to the girl speaking for all of “Bachelor Nation” to have ombre hair, a nose ring, and being so painfully an obviously from the valley. 

Drew’s date

If this horseback riding date ends up anything like a scene out of War Horse, I’m excited. 

But it looks like they’ll just end up crying and sweating on the beach. 

So it’s a scene out of Castaway instead. 

I’ll take it. 

Drew gets dumped.

That’s it.

He shows nothing but pure bewilderment which slowly turns into a creepy catatonic state that for some reason has the estrogen in that live studio raging like Lollapalooza. 

Chris’ Date

“Welcome!” exclaims awkwardly adorable Chris.

We were all thinking it...

They board a boat for- YOU GUESSED IT- an island adventure! 

I really think Des is more into saying ‘catamaran’ than anything else happening on this date. 

Chris is really sweet and comforting and most importantly, INTO HER, so that’s a plus. 

“Not many people can handle this experience...it’s like...emotionally draining” 

And stupid. 

Don’t forget stupid. 

He gives her a journal of poems and quotes wrapped with rope he wove from his chest hairs. 

“It feels so weird, but it feels good." Like putting ranch dressing on your pizza. 

Family Time

The brother returns. And he is interrogating Chris like he is Clare Danes in Homeland. 

He likes Chris.

It’s a done deal.

...I hope.

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chris To The Second Power enters the engagement site and we see that Contestant Chris is sweating like Kirstie Allie on an elliptical.

In fact, he is sweating so much the hand written poem he wrote is illegible because the paper is soaked and the ink is running with the moisture of his sopping palms. 

His little speech is adorable until she stops him from getting down on one knee. 

BUT THANK BEYONCE, SHE CAME TO HER SENSES. 

FOR ONCE, MY FAVORITE ACTUALLY WON. 

Wait, no private concert for the happy couple? 

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Des is still engaged. 

Brooks is in the building. 

Drew has frosted tips.

Chris dresses like Don Draper.

JUAN PABLO IS THE NEXT BACHELOR.

I still don’t really care. 

Fond Farewells

This is the last Bachelor/Bachelorette blog for #marnieproblems. We had a good, long run and it’s time for something new. 

With that being said, tune in next week for my review of the final season of AMC’s Breaking Bad.