(Jerry Seinfeld Voice) "Reality TV Dating Shows, What's Up With That?"

Last week on The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn began her journey to small-screen stardom/ love.

Also,  she seems to have started the second stages of wearing Invisalign.

Chris The "Cupcake" Dentist will marvel at her mouth bones later.

My mom shoots me a text 2 minutes into the episode letting me know how she thinks tonight will go.

She's so wise.

Remember when Brady stalked Brit all the way back to her hotel?
Remember when he totally used this one-on-one time to not be compared to anyone else and hypnotized her with his unwashed hair and ultra-wide crew neck tee?
Remember when I had dignity and didn't watch this show?

Those were the days...

Group Date #1

Wrestling? Boxing? Will the contestants strap on the singlet and grapple with each other for a moment of The Bachelorette's affection?

It looks like they'll be wearing big shorts. Damn.

Laila Ali walks into the room, giving the men a pep talk while simultaneously preparing to embarrass them on national television.

The gym is the pinnacle of romantic locations.

Just think of all the MRSA living on those punching bags.

Kaitlyn: "Please don't hurt each other in this competition of literally hurting each other for my attention."

Someone who hasn't had a lot of screen time tells Kaitlyn about his son, Aurelius.
She tries to not to laugh at the fact that this man is the father of a boy who will be mocked for the rest of his life.

But then, a mysterious note that says "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you" falls into her lap.

Slightly Concussed Jared is back from the hospital and ready to mack on her all the way to The Rose Ceremony.

One-On-One Date #1

Clint, Son of Odin, and Her Royal Bacheloretteness set out to their underwater photo shoot date.

Our girl Kait seems unable to grasp that you need to hold your breath and not let out any bubbles in order for the photos to look semi-cute.

But Thor is a natural and is schooling Kaitlyn in the art of underwater modeling.

Tyra has taught him well, because he gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Tony is two seconds away from a Hare Krishna chant-fest.

Group Date #2

It's Amateur Night on The Bachelorette.

Comedy and love are all about timing.

Some of these guys seem to really struggle with both.

Thank Beyonce, because Amy Schumer is here to help and humiliate them.

"Mr. Confidence," AKA JJ, is a little too confident. He's also always dreamed of doing comedy, so this could potentially be the worst thing we've ever seen, ever, in the history of television.

Some of the guys play it safe, some play it dirty, some totally bite it and should just drive home on their cupcake scooter of shame.

Tony takes this opportunity to deliver a commencement speech of sorts.

Let's just let the ladies be funny, guys, okay?

After the show, Kaitlyn proceeds to make out with the majority of them because, well, you gotta shop around a little bit, right?

JJ gets the rose for talking about his child and evoking a microbe of emotion.

No one else likes JJ.

The Rose Ceremony

In true form, JJ pulls a dick move during the cocktail party by pulling Kaitlyn away immediately, saying, AND I QUOTE, "Sorry not sorry" to the other guys.

Someone's been reading the Betches Luv This blog in his spare time.

Ian shows his compassion and continues to remind us of the Old Spice Guy.

Part of me wonders if he might be the first non-caucasian person to get far in this competition.

We're rooting for you, Ian.

Tony continues to have quite the time with this whole process and the inevitable betrayal of the Universe on his chakras or whatever.

Kupah is annoyed that Kaitlyn doesn't vibe with him.
And he should be, right?
How dare she ignore him after he does nothing to make a connection with her.
What a bitch.

Yet, he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.

Kupah is out of here...

And still can't seem to shut up.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELORETTE

Kaitlyn cracks some skulls.

Britt and Brady are nauseating.

Dear Bachelorette producers:

A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

It's night one of The Bachelorette Season 11.

Two very different women are competing for the very same thing: public humiliation and potential venereal diseases.

With the new practice of allowing the men to cast their votes for which woman they want to date on television for the next two months, it's like Survivor meets The Dating Game... I hope there's blood and lots of ugly crying. 

The common theme among these contestant packages is "There's not a lot of options where I live."

Guys, there are ways to remedy this.
1) MOVE
2) SEMINARY SCHOOL

Or go on a tv show.

What if Tinder was the premise of the next Bachelorette?

Let's see how many creepy guys in a 10 mile radius you can get to show up to the chateau or buy you a pizza before the wine runs out.

READY?
SET?
GO.

Limo Time

Britt's excited for the comparisons between her and Kaitlyn.

She was definitely one of those girls in school who loved being evaluated and thrived off of parent teacher conferences, or those messed up gym classes where you had to measure a partner's body mass index and present to the class.

It all makes sense now. This is why she's a waitress/actress. 

The limos roll up.

Some guys approach both women, some only one (Britt).

Some tailor small talk to each while others who were originally team Kaitlin switch to team Britt and NOT vice versa. 

You can see Kaitlin shrinking into a lesser version of herself until a hockey stud tells her he wants to "puck" her.

That's a story for the grandkids.

Really precious.

Britt needs to be The Bachelorette so she can fulfill her role as a sucubus and move out of her shitty condo in Riverside.  

Tony the Healer rolls out of the limo with a black eye. Someone obviously tried to steal his kombucha in line at Whole Foods and he seriously lost his chi for a sec.

I will not address the cupcake scooter dentist. I will not. 

Everyone else falls somewhere on a scale of underwhelming to slightly embarrassing. And then there's the "Carpool" guy.

Inside the Chateau

The men vote.

Kaitlyn is chosen as the Bachelorette.

The tribe has spoken, and Britt is kicked off the island.

Valar Bachelorette Morghulis.

After such a cosmic connection, Tony the Healer and his black eye are having an existential crisis alone in the thicket of fake palm trees on set.

Hug it out with the foliage, Tony.
Just kiss the crap out of those fern bushes.

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn thanks the guys for coming out, no matter the degree of weirdness or discomfort they all must be feeling. Which evidently is a lot.

Brady the ~musician~ asks for a pause and pulls Kaitlyn outside. I'm really hoping this is a confession of his undying affinity for girls who wear glitter eye shadow and sob like someone who just watched Beaches.

He's too into Britt. He runs off into the distance to find her.

BYE AMATEAUR SEX THERAPIST.
BYE LAW STUDENT/STRIPPER (Who I was really looking forward to calling him Flashdance)
BYE OTHER GUYS THAT GOT NO SCREEN TIME.

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELORETTE

Ireland.

The Alamo.

Cliff screaming.

AMY FREAKIN' SCHUMER.

The bad guy from Andi's season who looks like Spencer Pratt (minus the creepy flesh colored beard).

SO MUCH MAN CRYING.

Double The Suitors, Double The Eye Rolls

On Monday, May 18th, the new season of The Bachelorette will be thrust upon us against our will. So we might as well make the most of it, right?

Britt and Kaitlyn are up at bat this time around after being jilted by The Corn King Chris Soules, but the catch is only one will stay and one will go.

That's right, the gentlemen will determine who is the sole Bachelorette this season. I say we get to know some of them a little better...

Justin, Fitness Trainer

Justin is that guy at the party or any social gathering who let's you know he does CrossFit. Don't worry about asking him if he works out or what his regiment is, because he will tell you. 

Tony, Healer

Tony's a ~healer~. He just wants to connect with the Bachelorette's spirit, getting to know her aura over a couple shots of wheat grass juice while a calming Bon Iver album plays in the background.

Daniel, Fashion Designer

Pause for inevitable judgement of his sexuality per the choice in profession. Homeboy probably dresses better than Anna Wintour and will have to endure the heinous outfits the potential Bachelorette will wear each week. 

Josh S., Law Student/Exotic Dancer

I see you windin' and grindin' up on that podium. I know you see me lookin' at you and you already know... you're guilty and going to prison. 

Shawn E, Amateur Sex Coach

As an amateur sex coach, Shawn E. has the same level of knowledge as a 14 year old who has seen Fifty Shades of Grey a few times, or a pledge in the douchiest fraternity at a state school. 

Ryan M., Junkyard Specialist

Ryan M. spends most of his time in waste receptacles and on Craig's List looking for someone to dumpster dive with him.

Brady, Singer-songwriter

Voted Most Likely To End A Conversation By Saying: "Anyway, here's Wonderwall."

Chris, Dentist

Chris failed out of medical school, that's why he became a dentist. He desperately hopes the Bachelorette is cool with flossing after every meal and being the big spoon. 

There's no guarantee that I'll be able to blog about each episode of the upcoming season, but there will always be Twitter commentary. For the same rude (yet honest) opinions from yours truly, follow me here.

Wake Me Up When It's Over.

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'RE READY TO WASTE 3 HOURS OF YOUR LIFE.

Bachelor Chris is back in a snow-covered Iowa, which is only slightly more depressing than regular Iowa.

Whitney Meets the Fam

Whitney is first at bat with The Family Soules.

Right out of the gate she lets them know she's a fan of the show, and their beloved Prince Farming by extension.

The Sisters sit down with Whit and listen to her spiel about babies and corn and not having a lower vocal register.

When comparing the two remaining women, Chris says a few nice things about Whitney and stumble mumbles his way through a grocery list of things he loves about Becca.

"I love the way he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, even though he's dating someone way hotter than me."

After "The Future Mrs. Soules" heads back to her hotel, the men gather around in the audaciously masculine tool shed/garage to talk about Chris' feelings.

Becca Has To Measure Up

Becca definitely has her work cut our for her with Chris' family after Whitney The Good Witch swooped in on her magic bubble.

She may be making Mama Soules pee her pants with laughter about life in a small town, but she literally says she's not ready to move, let alone go M.A.C.H. 3 through a cornfield into a relationship with this stuttering boob.

QUESTION(S): Why has there been absolutely no conversation about Chris moving out of Iowa? Why do the women need to uproot their lives for a guy they've been dating for about 6 weeks? Why do they have to profess their undying love for him when he can't even tell them he loves them a little? Why is there still a gender wage gap? Why is a girl who sleeps around a slut while a guy is a stud? Why are there no stand-alone female superhero movies? WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW?

After an intense discussion with Becca about her feelings, Chris and Whitney drive through miles of unharvested starch with forced laughter and awkward, jittery, excitement.

At this point all of America knows Chris is going to pick Whitney. But then Host Chris Harrison's comment about a twist from the beginning of the show snaps back into our minds.

Whitney says she knows what Chris is thinking when she looks into his eyes.

You're guilting me into choosing you. I wonder if Becca gets bikini waxes. I can't believe Walt dies at the end of Breaking Bad. 

Decision Time

The producer Chris chooses to propose to his future wife in a barn when it's 20 degrees outside. Conveniently this is where he raised his first pig and definitely did some weird stuff with a goat.

There's a production assistant somewhere on the premises suffocating from the flaming hay bales that were placed too close to the space heaters.

He tells Becca she isn't ready so he has to go with Whitney. But she seems totally cool with it.

Whitney cries and snot rockets everywhere blah, blah, blah they're engaged.

This is the most anti-climactic finAHle ever, am I right?

After The Final Rose

They're still together.

Nobody cares.

Jimmy Kimmel got them a cow named Juan Pablo.

Onion Ashley is going to be on Bachelor In Paradise.

Britt AND Kaitlyn are both the next Bachelorette.

I don't know.

Bye.

The Women Tell Us Nothing We Didn't Already Know

Why is Kelsey putting blush on her ears? What does Britt look like without makeup? Will I ever reclaim my dignity? These are questions that will hopefully be answered on tonight's Women Tell All Special.

The night opens with Chris Squared crashing Bachelor viewing parties around the greater Los Angeles area, making drunk women wet themselves, drop shot glasses, and confirm that this show brings out the worst in people.

Britt confronts Carly about the things said on camera, and everyone else on stage feels the need to talk over one another. This sounds like what might go on in a middle school guidance counselor's office, except everyone has way better eyebrows.

Chris Harrison steps in when Jillian gets "a little too jacked up." Pun intended? Definitely pun intended.

Carly says it all.

Britt is acting like an actress because, GUESS WHAT, a waitress in LA sells her soul to become EXACTLY THAT. 

Say "dude" again, Britt. Just say it again.

Chris Harrison should charge by the second when he talks these women off of a cliff. Five minutes with Britt and Kelsey and he could retire in May and have his nonexistent grandkids set for life.

Psychotic Kelsey is back with her dead shark eyes and gluten-free, anti-vaccination mom haircut.

Every time Kelsey opens her mouth its as if to say:

While she fake cries and sniffles, a high-pitched voice asks to say something.

Overlord Chris Harrison says no.

Trina took a break from bleaching her asshole to join us tonight. Bless your heart, Trina.

Samantha speaks! She has vocal cords!

The legitimacy of Kelsey's story is questioned, as it has been by people across the country and in Canada.

Personally, I think it boils down to her just being dead inside and having a strong background in community theater.

And here we have The Ballad of Onion Ashley.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

But whenever Onion Ashley was around, we were all afraid. So very, very afraid.

She's articulate enough to explain her Mesa Verde reference, her obsession with the onion, and accusations of betting on the contestants.

Chris Harrison formally invites her to participate in the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, did she accept? I was too ticked off by the lack of explanation in her interview.

We really don't need to revisit Jade's experience on the show. It was boring until she got nakey and then boring again when Chris said he was okay with it (even though he totally wasn't).

People keep talking about Chris' blog. He has a blog?

Is it better than mine?

Is he prettier than me?

Prince Farming In The Hot Seat 

Time to call him out on his lack of eye contact, ladies.

And Britt's already crying.

Kaitlyn's asking for an explanation for the abrupt departure, but she's not going to get one.

Chris is unable to articulate anything that isn't scripted or pieced together with long, audible sighs.  He is also unable to maintain eye contact in those situations.

The real world is made up of those situations. So good luck to Becca or Whitney, or even Britt at this point, because you're looking at a  life of unanswered questions and starch-filled dinners. The human body doesn't digest corn, just saying.

After the much needed blooper reel, I realize I've never hated someone's laugh so much.

Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel. Fabio isn't on the cover so it won't reach its core market anytime soon.

Next Week

The dramatic season finAHle (gag me) followed by a LIVE After The Final Rose.

We're gonna be glued to the tube for 3 straight hours.

May Beyonce be with you.

The Humidity Is Not Doing Anyone Any Favors

We're in Bali.

Not like IN Bali, but you know, kind of like how Mercury is IN retrograde.

No?

Whatever.

Chris cracks down on what he is looking for in a wife this week.

He just wants to know if the intimacy aspect exists in his semi-polygmatic relationship with 3 significantly headstrong women.

Kaitlyn's Date

Chris and Kaitlyn enter a temple where they can't mash their faces together because it's the rules.

Looking like quintessential American tourists, they walk into a lair of monkeys.

I don't care how cute you think the monkeys are. They are disgusting.

Much like intoxicated co-eds on Spring Break, these things jump around and urinate on people while trying to grab bananas that don't belong to them.

After (hopefully showering) the pair have dinner lagoon-side as the humidity wreaks havoc on everyone's hair.

They talk about having nerves and opening up and blah blah blah nobody cares because this all leads up to the Fantasy Suite.

What if Kaitlyn's fantasy is to eat coagulated marshmallows off of a bed of Hot Cheetos while Halloween sound effects from the 50s play over an old phonograph in the corner?

I don't know, that could be her thing.

She seems like she'd be into that.

Whitney's Date

After sucking 6,000 gaseous liters of Helium, Whitney meets up with Chris at a Bali marina to deafen any stray dogs that may be lurking nearby.

While out sailing on the Indian Ocean, Whitney unloads more emotional baggage about her family situation. I feel like Chris needs his own personal Lobby Boy to deal with all this luggage.

Later at dinner, notice how Whitney is getting all of the "Will you move for me?" questions.

Kaitlyn wasn't asked about saying Hasta La Vista to the moose and maple syrup of her motherland...just sayin'.

This one piece of hair constantly flying into her line of vision needs to settle down. Doesn't it know she's trying to embarrass herself on national television?

Has anyone ever realized Chris Harrison is the ultimate pimp? "Dude, take this key and bang all these chicks. We'll pay you for it."

Becca's Date

Becca is "crazy" about Chris.

Chris isn't so "crazy" about Becca not being a slut?

The couple venture into ANOTHER temple to meet with a seer/fortuneteller shaman.

This guy could be saying Sir-Mix-A-Lot lyrics and no one would know.

Becca and Chris have dinner by production candlelight to discuss her intact hymen.

Before she drops the purity bomb, Chris coaxes Becca to admit her feelings and responds to those feelings buy not looking her directly in the eye and mumbling.

You may be actually scum, Prince Farming.

As they enter the Fantasy Suite (which he has already christened TWICE) Becca's nerves must be going bonkers.

She just spits it out, leaving Chris positively dumfounded.

Face it, Chris...

He's ready to dump Becca hard core and get back to the farm. He misses his sheep and the wants to run away from the pressure of being articulate.

If there was a Gold Medal for mumbling, Chris Soules would be the one on the podium, averting eye contact and working on his slack-jaw.

I'd like for their to be a blog devoted to photos of Chirs Harrison's passport.

The man has been hosting over 8,000 seasons of The Bachelor and has stepped foot on every continent.

His blog could tell a greater love story than Twilight.

But then again, the connection between my phone and it's charger is a better love story than Twilight.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris is ready to break some hearts in A THIRD sacred Bali temple.

Chris Harrison is there to greet him.

"Please respect this temple and the restrictions of this holy place. With that being said, how was all the sex?"

Chris pulls Becca aside before giving out any roses and they dive into an intense conversation.

This conversation is drastically one-sided as Becca pours out her heart and soul and Chris ONCE AGAIN, can't meet her eye line or enunciate.

Whitney speaks her mind. "She can't be right of him if I'm right for him."

Much to our (my) surprise, we say goodbye to Kaitlyn. Aufweidersen, Breakdances With Wolves.

You'll find your lobster somewhere out in that Canadian wilderness, or as the next Bachelorette.

Next Week

The. Women. Tell. All.

This Is Why We Are Weak And Natural Selection Is Coming For Us

Leaving off with the Rose Ceremony from last week's episode, we bid adieu to Megan. She never stood a chance because she was just too normal.

Chris Harrison announces that another contestant will be departing and all eyes are on Carly.

The cruise ship singer is obviously the next on the chopping block and was hoping she'd have another week to convince Chris that there's much more to her than aggressive side bangs and a knack for karaoke.

But Chris steps in, announces no one else will be going home tonight, and inflicts a far worse punishment on them...

Iowa. 

One-on-One #1

The women walk into the hotel suite (that doesn't hold a candle to the kinds of places they usually stay in) and there's a date card waiting for Jade.

"I'm glad that you get to do that but I'm going to set your car on fire."

In an effort to describe the metropolis that is central Iowa, Jade is just naming everything she sees.
"So much corn."
"Cows."
"Dirt road."

She says she would have to readjust to the slower lifestyle, because... you know... Jade moved out to LA to model for Playboy and life's been one big party ever since.

Chris is realizing just how lame his hometown really is and how no mentally stable person would ever willingly move there.

So he takes her to a high school football game to prove that people inhabit the corn fields and to abruptly introduce her to his parents.

"I recognize her from somewhere..." thinks Old Man Soules. 

Jade chickens out of telling Chris about the northern (and southern) exposure of her past, right before snapping a selfie with her potential in-laws.

One-on-One #2

Whitney gets the second solo date and is visibly pissed she doesn't get to see Chris' hometown.

But not as pissed as Britt.

Apparently it's shaking her to the core and touching her soul in a place she's not used to being touched in.

Whitney and Chris head to an art gallery in Des Moines to take their own photos while she just exclaims "SHUT UP!" at everything they do or see.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, the remaining women decide to take a road trip to Arlington behind Chris' back...

And proceed to drive straight through it, then double back to ask the local pastor, who was wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt, where a good restaurant is.

His response was "Not in Arlington. Y'all like video games?"

Britt has no intention of moving to Cornville anytime soon and puts on an act that fools absolutely no one.

Group Date

Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt get to go ice skating with Chris.

Because apparently there is nothing else to do in Iowa. 

Britt spills the beans about the secret pilgrimage to Chris' hometown.

"I felt really alive there. Like that time I mowed the lawn with my dad's tractor or like that time I ate a spicy tuna roll."

When Kaitlin returns with the rose, Britt looks like she's going to impale herself on one of the many loose pieces of metal in this little shop of romantic horrors.

She then rambles on about her feelings for far too long.

Back at the hotel, Britt announces that she is packed and ready to go before the Rose Ceremony.

Once again, nobody is buying it.

Britt seems to love the chase and a game of cat and mouse. She thrives on drama as a waitress in LA (AKA ASPIRING ACTRESS) and is soaking up every bit of exposure she can.

Rose Ceremony #1

Tonight's episode begins with the Rose Ceremony from last night because ABC is trying to kill us slowly by withholding information.

With another cocktail party cancelled, the women line up to wait for rejection.

Britt chooses to interrupt Chris' speech and drags him away to ramble on further and embarrass herself.

After having enough of her malarky, we say goodbye to the glitter and drama, but there is still one rose left.

We know Jade tells Chris about her nudie pics when he goes to visit her in Nebraska, so Carly is the one to go home.

Sad to see her no-BS attitude go, but we must swiftly move on to my favorite episode of the season, Hometown Dates.

Hometown Date #1

Chris ventures down to Shreveport, Louisiana to deflower Becca.

Kidding.

Remember a few seasons ago, when Des' brother really put the nail in the coffin on her and Sean's relationship? History may be repeating itself with Becca's sisters harping on her lack of lovin' in the past.

Is Becca going to take Chris out on the swamp to shoot some gators? Eat some craw fish? Play fooseball with Bobby Boucher?

No, they just go to an amusement park and ride the ferris wheel.

Hometown Date #2

In Chi-Town, Whitney brings Chris to the fertility clinic where she hands poor college students old editions of Hustler Magazine and they hand back their deposits in exchange for cash.

Alright, alright.

She also creates life, completes families, and brings joy to parents across the Windy City, but that aforementioned step in her daily work life can't be overlooked. It just can't.

Whitney drops the L word.

No the other L word.

They share a bottle of fancy shmancy wine my parents probably know a lot about, and I'm practically bored to tears.

Hometown Date #3

Caitlin brings Chris to Phoenix, Arizona where her Canadian family summers when Alberta is a swirling vortex of ice, free health care, and frozen moose carcasses.

The duo enter a recording studio to lay down a few tracks, inspired by their time together on the show.

At least they have better free-styling skills than Iggy Azalea?

Kaitlyn's family welcomes Chris with open arms and I'm really just hoping for some type of drama to happen when he goes to see Jade.

This smooth-sailing business is not what I blog for.

Hometown Date #4

Jade lures Chris to scenic Omaha, Nebraska to drop the bomb that her Bermuda Triangle is all over the Internet.

Her family keeps hinting at her crazy past and wild spirit.

She must be taking sedatives or smoking behind the craft services tent with the production assistants because she seems like the most low-key (boring) person on the show.

Leave it to Chris to overlook the quiet kind of crazy.

Jade doesn't just tell Chris about her experience with Playboy, but whips out the laptop and shows him.

Show and Tell gets awkward when it looks like Chris is going back to his hotel to Google the rest of the women, just to make sure.

Rose Ceremony #2

After no cocktail party (AGAIN) and no angst, Chris makes a decision.

Fare thee well, Jade.

I guess even your bare beaver couldn't save your relationship.

Also you seem to be just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of some teenage boy's browser history.

Next Week

Chris takes the ladies somewhere tropical to diddle them in a hut.