Preview to The Bachelor: Hot Ass Sean Edition

Hello, World. Sorry I've been M.I.A, finals were a bitch and I'm trying to work my way through about 6 different series on Netflix.

They don't even know what's coming...

As we all know, our boy Sean is the new Bachelor. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon pre-released contestant photos and mini bios and I'll just give you a quick peek into what this season has in store for us:

1. I Spy a few interesting occupations, ie: Vegas Poker Dealer and Cruise Ship Entertainer.

2. No Dental Hygenists (as of yet).

3. 3 OR MORE women of color- ABC is trying to disprove all accusations that they are racist...mainly because we haven't seen any brothas or sistahs up in here since 'Nam.

4. About 5 Ashleys, 3 Laurens, and 1 Desiree. There always has to be a Desiree and she is always a bridal stylist from LA (by way of Lancaster, PA where she hopped off the horse and buggy after Rumspringa...but that's just a guess).

5. Absolutely no ginger ladies in the bunch. Red Power is lacking.


January 7th at 8pm.

Gird your loins for 2 whole hours of awkwardly forward first encounters between Sean and las chicas desperadas.

I'm looking forward to ripping each of these ladies apart just as much as the rest of you are.

It's going to be a great season, folks.

Revenge Problems

Revenge is back in action- which means, I have some nit-picking to do about ABC's #1 Sunday drama. Here we go:

On Charlotte being all nicey-nicey to Faux Amanda now that she's illegitimately pregs with some rando's honey boo boo child:

Her pregnancy plan.

Charlotte please stop acting like you are sister of the year. You're basically signing yourself up for free babysitting and once your inheritance gets blown on shipping Victoria into space forever/getting you acting lessons, you're going to need that 10 bucks an hour gig. Chances are the baby is going to come out emotionally messed up already after Faux Amanda's suggestive life choices and having a trained assassin/spy/identityborrowing godmother. 


When Faux Emily is in Japan and her lover does the dip, so Sensei compares this little situation to her father's sitch:

"Your lovah... he uh.. left you"

Alrighty then, Sensei-I doubt having your quasi-boyfriend from karate camp ditch you in maze makes Emily/Amanda feel the same betrayal as her dad did when he got shanked in the person yard and was basically blamed for a terrorist attack. So, it's really nice of you to try and relate to Faux Emily and everything- but you're just making it worse and making us wish we had the old Mr. Miyagi back before he got re-casted. 

On how much Ashley doesn't even really need to be on the show anymore:

Is no one else noticing how Ashley and Daniel aren't really even Ashley and Daniel? You would never know they were together because Daniel spends so much time talking to his dad and Ashley keeps planning parties. I feel like in every episode there is a party, cocktail hour, gala, or press conference with these people. Like... go to the movies or something. Watch the Ellen Show. Just stop attending high-class functions for about 2 minutes. 

"Oui... I did do dat thing"
No, you idiot.
DENY. DENY. DENY.

On how much Deckland needs to channel his inner- Erik Van Der Woodsen:

Deckland, you are a sucky liar and fess up too quick. After all those years spent on the upper east side with your sister Serena and hiding your homosexuality in a closet the size of a stretch Hummer.... I expect better. 

On how they manage to slip in another fiesta and reason to make you have roller coaster emotions waiting for next week's episode:

Just as the episode is ending, Conrad announces that he and Victoria are renewing their vows. This pisses Victoria off to no end, but gives Ashley another fab event to plan and Daniel a reason to get revenge-y. Meanwhile, Emily probably goes and tries to find her mother (who lost her mind after she lost her virginity in the dugout of a high school baseball field to some guy who wouldn't even drive her to the clinic to get something that sounds like shmashmortion). If that last sentence made you incredibly confused and lost, go rent Fast Times At Ridgemont High and thank me in the morning. 

Trust me... you're going to love it. 

THERE IS A GOD. Bachelor Problems

I'm telling you all right now. There are only two reasons I will be watching the upcoming season of the Bachelor.

"Hi I'm Sean, but you can call me... Daddy" 

    1. My blog depends on it.
    2. HOT ASS SEAN IS THE NEXT BACHELOR

We all know how I feel about H.A.S. So you can imagine my excitement and then self-loathing about the new season. I will still be here for your hilariously cynical needs- so breath easy folks. This ginge has a purpose again.

Some of you may not be the biggest Hot Ass Sean fans. Well, I have compiled a list of reasons (pictures included) of why Sean is the right choice for the next installment of the worst show to grace the small screen- besides Honey Boo Boo.

Here we go:

 1. He's good with kids

... of ALL ages.








             2. He's an animal lover.

 3. THAT.

 4. He is skilled in the art of selfies and kissy pics.










                                                                                    5. He's not Chris.

Plus, there's always the possibility that Emily will come to her sense, realize she's engaged to a Mormon Hobbit, and come steal Sean away from the new crop of Bitches de Desperado. And who would be opposed to that? 

Childhood Problems

Many of you may have known me in my youth and probably thought I was awkward and weird.

I was.  I still am. Whatever.

For those of you who did not know pre-teen Marnie, I was awkward and weird... but I was also a good time. My friend Jordyn and I used to make music videos to our favorite *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys songs. Imagine two eleven year old girls wearing fluorescent fleece vests from the GAP, doing literal dance moves to the lyrics of "I Want It That Way". It was a creative outlet and yes, we still have the tapes somewhere in my basement.

Jordyn and I were also fascinated with Amanda Bynes. We recreated her "Ask Ashley" skits from All That and pretty much worshiped the Amanda Show.

This week, I was watching E! as Kevin Jonas dug a hole in his backyard to throw his career into (after convincing America that he actually does like hot dogs... you know what I mean) the news ticker along the bottom of the screen flashed the following:

AMANDA BYNES CAUGHT SMOKING MARIJUANA WHILE DRIVING

I was speechless. MY childhood shattered before my eyes.

Then I saw that Hey Arnold was on Netflix and quickly got over it.

But, nevertheless, I feel bad for Amanda. I just hope she kept her cool when the cops drove up.

 Her credentials as Judge Trudy should work in her favor.

Blog dismissed. Bring in the Dancing Lobsters. 

Suggestions, Suggestions PUHLEASE.

I need help choosing a new show/ topic to blog about people! You're the ones reading this thing so tell me what you want to read about! I'll try my best to be hilarious- per usual, so leave your comments here/on facebook/tweet at me/ send a carrier pigeon and smoke signal to Rhode Island. I'm sitting here not doing my homework and watching Kourtney Kardashian give birth... AGAIN. So call me beep me if you wanna save me from going cray-zay.

Fall TV Problems

  Thanks to a free trial of Hulu Plus, I had the pleasure of watching a full-episode preview of NBC's new series, Revolution. It's your typical JJ Abrams deal- something awful happens to a bunch of people and forces them to live like pilgrims or hippies. In this case, that horrible something is the electricity going out, FOR-EV-VER. I don't know about any of you people, but aside from being forced to watch Diane Keaton movies all day while listening to The Best of Nickelback- no power is pretty much my worst nightmare.

How I would look everyday without power

    So let's hash this thing out for all of you who have been anticipating the premiere of this show, or for those of you who probably won't have time to watch because you have "real jobs" or "prefer to read" or are "watching Downton Abbey instead". WARNING. SPOILER ALERT. The basic premise of the show is the power goes out for good. The pilot episode starts out in present day Chicago, the day of the blackout. A concerned father busts into his home while his kids watch TV like zombies and his wife (who was on LOST) prepares for no more Internet, hairdryers, washing machines, toilets, Sunday HBO line-ups or GPS. They might as well jump off a bridge right now.

    Cut-to Bella's dad from Twilight and his friend/ homosexual lover (?) in a Mustang on the highway discussing dating protocol while Not Bella's Dad tries to download nudie pics onto his iPhone. The previously mentioned concernicus dad calls Chief Swan, because they're broskis, to warn him about the blackout, when BOOM. No more light. No more cars. No more nudie picks for Bella's Dad's pervy friend.

This is their life now.

    Fast forward 15 years later- Chicago is a barren waste-land and people have been forced to live on mini plantations like it's freaking Tara after the damn Yankees came and looted the place. Except in this situation, there are less black people, some Brits, ex Google CEO and  butt loads of corn. The zombie TV kids from before are now in their 20's and live in the small community with their still concerned father. Apparently their mother saw the smoke monster and scampered off into the woods and hasn't been seen since... I don't know- maybe she found a way back to The Island?

     So anyway, Gus from Breaking Bad comes into the picture as a captain or something of the Militia- yeah, the freaking MILITIA- and demands that Concerned Dad comes with him to find his brother, Bella's Dad (His real character name is Miles- so... I'm still going to refer to him as Bella's Dad, Billy Burke, or Charlie Swan- deal with it). The younger brother of the, now adult, zombie kids doesn't like this situation. Side note- his name is Danny. Danny has Bieber hair and clearly suffers from youngest child-syndrome, meaning that he is a total weenie. So Danny grabs a gun and points it at Militia Gus in a strange and out-of-character act of bravery. Boom goes the dynamite/gun/ a bunch of people get shot and hacked with axes while Concerned Dad actually gets hit with a stray bullet. His last words to his children were to find their Uncle Miles (Charlie Swan) in Chicago. So naturally the older girl, Charlie- takes it upon herself to find U.M and save her brother (oh right I forgot to mention that Danny was taken away by Gus and his merry band of meat heads after the shoot out at the OK Corral).

Charlie, British Betch, and Fat JJ Abrams. 

Charlie makes her way into Chicago, accompanied by the town doctor and an ex-Google CEO who I will here-on refer to as Fat JJ Abrams,  to find her Uncle. Oh and I can't forget to mention the spicy looking beefcake with a bow and arrow that she meets along the way- Boy Katniss Everdeen. BKE and the crew find Miles at some dive bar and Charlie fails at persuading him to help her. Right when you think that U.M sucks and should be a better uncle to his now orphaned niece, he channels his inner Forks Police Chief and identifies Boy Katniss as an undercover Militia member. SHOCK AND AWE.

"I am the  Ethnic Mockingjay"

"You killed my brother, prepare to die"

BKE brings the evil troops to Miles and Charlie to arrest him. But it sucks for them because Billy Burke goes Inigo Montoya on their asses and it's like the Hash Slinging Slasher busted up in this place and just killed everyone.

Meanwhile, Danny has escaped from his captors and is having asthma attacks outside some lady's house. Gus comes to find him and takes him away while the lady of the house scurries upstairs, whips out a flash drive and plugs it into her COMPUTER, and then turns on her LIGHTBULB and starts INSTANT MESSAGING someone. Is this bitch A? I call shenanigans.

If any of you have special requests for blog topics or shows for me to review- post a comment or tweet at me @shesarangasir. If your suggestion isn't totally ridiculous and I can both enjoy, and make fun of it- it may show up in future posts...maybe.

Not An Actual Problem But Stroke Of Genius

 I woke up this morning and habitually opened my computer and came across the startling picture of Miley Cyrus' new hair cut. Naturally, my brain makes pop culture references and links faster than Michael Phelps swims- so I headed to the internet, perused google images, cut and paste and yadda yadda yadda- I created this beauty. Enjoy.

Opening Ceremony Problems

THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE!

The Summer Games are underway and I am sobbing uncontrollably because I'm not in London. I miss that beautiful city and all it's wonder...I miss the Borough Market grilled cheese even more. The Opening Ceremonies always set the tone for the games and this year, Creative Director Danny Boyle is responsible for the $45 million show. If you're a movie buff like myself, you may know that Danny Boyle directed an Academy Award Winning film a few years ago, so expectations are high. Let's just say this better be as good, if not better than Slumdog Millionaire.

As Bob Costas chats with Tom Brokaw and his recently botoxed face,  I think about how I fully expect the USA to rip sauce during the games and nab all the gold medals, per usual. Bob Costas says the word Stratford and I'm all Wait the Olympic village is in EAST London? Is anyone else worried about Ryan Lochte and his hot bod getting shanked? At this point I really need Bob and Tom to move away from Tower Bridge because the mere sight of it makes me gasp and groan with agony.

Yes. a thousand times, yes. 

Now to Matt Lauer and...Meredith Viera? Hey Mere, I thought you were done with television? Give someone else (Ann Curry) a freaking chance. Paul McCartney is scheduled to perform at the end of the night and I have now peed my pants...without shame.

Ryan Seacrest now dominates three major networks that I watch and I want to do to him whatever they did in Gremlins to make them go away. Ry, you have your midget foot in E!, FOX and now NBC? Who hired you? I would like to kick them in the groin. PS- they asked you to interview the gymnasts because you're all the same height and can bond over the pains of reaching for things on the top shelf and driving with a booster seat. I already don't like Gabby "The Flying Squirrel" Douglas. She thinks she's hot shit because Marta Karyoli gave her a nickname.

The show is starting and people are emerging from a thatched house and...wait...are they hobbits? Am I in The Shire? Pan to Harry, William and Kate/Cate (pick a spelling and go with it). Back to The Shire where the bad guys from Gangs of New York are watching factory towers magically come out of the ground.

Now I'm crying.

Kenneth Branagh AKA Gilderoy Lockhart from HP quotes The Tempest, how British.

Now hordes of people are emerging from the factory towers and they are all dirty and wearing aprons. Am I missing something? Are there supposed to be pitchforks? Is this a scene from Frankenstein? The Top Hat Clan is now doing some type of dancing. Are we stomping the yard or churning butter? The cast of extras in this production is interesting. It probably took that dude three weeks to grow those mutton chops and perfect that mono-brow.

Here comes Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. They hope we will enjoy the show.

Meredith Viera comments: "It looks like they're forging some type of of massive ring, Matt". One ring to rule them all. So...we've left The Shire and have now taken up house in Mordor.

Aside from some confusion, I am entertained yet continuing to bawl my eyes out as those little kids sing across the UK countryside.

"I'm over it"

Wait, is that James Bond 6.0? Hello, Mr. Craig. Sure, casually walk into Buckingham Palace
Sidenote: I want a corgi. The Queen is the baddest bitch in the game and her lack of enthusiasm throughout the night proves how much of a hipster she could be if she lived in Brooklyn. I have to admit that the James Bond bit was actually awesome and Prince Philip is loving every minute of it. And I know what you all were thinking when that helicopter showed up, Oh, great, here's Kalon. 

   The children's choir breaks out the National Anthem- "God Save the Queen", and I want to know- who's the American dick who copies the UK national anthem and changes the words to "Let Freedom Ring"?

To represent the UK's sketchy health care or something like that, a bunch of kids in hospital beds get wheeled out by real doctors and nurses (according to Matt Lauer). Now I feel like I'm watching a Lady Gaga video with all of these hospital beds and nightmarish things roaming the arena.

As I get up to retrieve tissues and buckets to fill with my tears, JK Rowling starts reading something and I'm like HOLY HIPPOGRIFF BATMAN. Now I'm really losing my shit. Wait-is that the child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Giant Voldemort? A meth-head Captain Hook? Where am I? Where's my mommy?

HAVE NO FEAR SMALL CHILD ACTORS, Marry Poppins is here! But not even Mary Poppins can defeat that giant baby head that is both haunting and slightly reminiscent of Baby Grace from Friday Night Lights.

I have no words for Mr. Bean. For a second in that beach jogging scene I thought that was Michael Fassbender...it wasn't. He looked more like Greg Kinear anyway, disappointing.

Now a transition into the digital age. Very well done, but they lost me with the interchanging real-life and pre-recorded versions of this love story. I mean, It's cute how they are running with giant glo-sticks and it's supposed to be like the London Underground, but in reality the tube isn't teeming with neon and sequin-wearing teenagers, but a lingering foot aroma and strangers who stare just a little too long. 

Cracked-out outfits and dancing is always appreciated

I really enjoyed this digital age part of the show. Good music, crazy costumes, and cracked out dancing that reminds me of nights at Piccadilly Institute. Wayne's World even made a cameo. The British Chris Brown starts breaking it down and all I can think is, Wait where's Adele and her unborn child? But then they start to blast some Muse and all is right with the world again. They even got the guy who invented the Internet! Thank you sir for supporting my procrastination habit.
Cut-to Matt Lauer interviewing Michael Phelps, who suffers from extreme goggle tan and slow-blinking syndrome. It's alright Mike, we still love you.

Parade Of Nations, better known as the "I've never heard of there!"game. Seriously though... these are countries?

These announcers reading off the names of countries/delegations remind me of the two headed thing that announced the pod races in Star Wars Episode One.
Anyone? Anyone? No? Whatever.
I bet you Liz II is just sitting up in her fancy shmancy box thinking... "Look at all these countries that I used to own".

What the hell are Independent Olympic Athletes?

As for you, Israeli athlete with his flag shaved into the side of his head, all I have to say is Oy vey.

People live in Madagascar?

Gold Medalists in Tackiness

Mexico's outfits  are provided by Oriental Trading Magazine and party stores nationwide.

I dig the Netherland's orange pea coats.

I'm appreciating the number of ELO songs being played at this point in the show.

AND HERE COMES THE USA! Every one's looking fab in their berets and blazers thanks to Caroline Scott hollerrrrrrrrrr gurllll.

So chic

Liz doesn't even crack a smile for GB when they start to march. Bee tee dubs, I dig the gold hooded jackets GB, super posh.

Harry looks pissed because it's past his bedtime and his Nanna wouldn't introduce him to James Bond.

I demand more Arctic Monkeys. Can this OC playlist be available on iTunes anytime soon, please? Well done Danny Boyle.

As Arctic Monkeys plays "Come Together", human doves ride bikes up into the sky...when did this become E.T?

As the nations walk into the arena, I have to wonder, what's with the human barriers? This isn't a wicken prayer circle, guys.

Sir Paul McCartney ladies, and gents. Paul segues into a Peter Brady version of "Hey Jude" as everyone cries crocodile tears and I look up airfare to Heathrow.

Did anyone else think it was a tad rude of Sir Paul to leave out all the trannys in the audience when asking everyone to sing along? Just the men, now just the ladies, I can't hear you- do any of you even know the words?

This spectacular show was so magnificent and full of style that I ended up in the corner eating my hair until my parents got home, forcing me to pretend like I wasn't absolutely distraught from the Opening Ceremonies.

And to think that I have to live through two whole weeks of this. PURE. TORTURE.

And The Winner Is...: The Bachelorette FinAHlee problems

"It's me, bitches"

  OH EM GEE GUYS. Emily done snatched herself a man! I'm so happy that this "experience" is over and West Virginia Barbie and Jef With One F and Ricki are able to spend some quality time together at Gymboree. Emily doesn't have to worry about Ricki at Chuckie Cheese anymore, Jef is there to be her play date and frolic in the ball pit until Mommy's teeth bleaching appointment is done!

  It was a long road for these two love birds. Who would have thought the hipster on the skateboard would be the one!These last few episodes have kept me on the edge of seat as Emm-o sent home some prime beefcakes (HOT ASS SEAN) and went with a more vegan selection (JWOF/Arie Saladfingers). She's shot birds, swam with dolphins, and been serenaded by Miss Dolly Parton herself all while being orally assaulted by Arie's tongue and freakishly large talons. Kudos, Em.

  The night started off with meeting the parents. At this point in the show, Devon admits that Emily's dad is kinda cute and that his coral button-down is working for him...in a BIG way. JWOF is the first up to bat and knocks it out of the (little league) park when he poetically professes his love for Emily. Does anyone else think JWOF's responses are Hallmark card worthy? After gushing over Solamente Efe Jef, Emily's family has seemed to put this first dude on a pedestal. I am almost led to believe that Mr. Maynard may take Arie down to China Town if he doesn't match up to his new future grandson son-in-law.

In between fixing her extensions and pronouncing "finale" wrong,
Em and Chris enjoy some selfies backstage. 

  Emily's brother, Ernie, obviously struggles with being on camera and makes us all feel uncomfortable enough to wish that Arie would just get there already and mack on Emily... yeah, THAT uncomfortable. Arie waltzes up to Ems looking more jaundice than ever. It's like he was slapped in the face with buttercup blossoms or developed severe anemia since embarking on this journey for love and free vacations. He then proceeds to caress her face with his frisbee hands and swaddle her face with his tongue. Ew. It is at this time that I realize I dislike this pair together because I can't stand to see something that yellow in the face get with something that yellow in the hair...and his mom would corrupt Ricki and get her to wear sequined bras and tacky fabrics.

  This is the most airtime Little Ricki has gotten the entire season. This kid is so happy to be around her mom and new best friend, JWOF- she's feeling like Glen Coco during Christmas. I just feel bad that Ricki's gram and gramps refer to her as "Little Ricki"... can I get a "BABALOOOOOOOOOOOO!"...? Aside from the nick name, LR struggled walking the cobblestones of "beautiful" Curacao with Mommy and line-leader Jef in those kitten-heeled wedges.
When the kid runs out to greet the newly engaged couple, my mother boldly says, "SHE HAS BREASTS". LR needs a training bra Ems, lend her the one you used before the uni-boob surgery...or make sure her cotton tops are a dark grey and more opaque.

"I mustache you to explain yourself, Emily"

  By far the most emotional part of the entire show was Emily having to say goodbye to Arie. The super-not-so-secret meeting with Chris Harrison exterminated any building anxiety I had about the end of the show and replaced it with pure excitement for her crushing his frying-pan heart. Is that a little mean? Whatever, he'll have women throwing themselves in front of his drag racer and offering to take his mother shopping the second he gets off the plane in Scottsdale. We find Arie in the strange, bad ju-ju filled bog where he concocts a love-potion (which he clearly is going to be needing) like a voodoo child. Emily can't pull herself together and starts to ugly cry-right there in the backwoods of a dodgy Caribbean island- to a point where Arie is awkwardly consoling her not aware that she is about to rip his heart out of his jaundice body and stomp on it. It'll be hard to stomp in that too-skinny maxi dress Ems, you're not Morticia Addams. In a nutshell, Emily cries, Arie cries, Arie gets pissed, walks away, Emily (in HOT ASS SEAN fashion) runs after and tries to explain herself while Arie struggles to accept that he got beat by a twelve year-old.

  I can't even touch upon the proposal scene. Too mushy, too scripted, too many pots without plants in them. I mean, Ben proposed to Courtney on top of a freaking MOUNTAIN. Ashley and JP got a gorgeous wharf scenery on the shores of Figi, and JWOF gets the back lot of a Lowes flower department? Lame.

After the Final Rose was weak. Arie and Emily were extremely civil and I was looking for a chair to be thrown or, HOW ABOUT THAT JOURNAL? Doesn't ABC know the first rule of AFR? "The best way to spread Bachelorette cheer is reading private journals aloud for all to hear" DUH.

  Anyway, Congrats Emmy-poo and Jef With One F and A Fiance and a Seven Year Old Play Date!!!
  JWOFaAFaaSYOPD? We'll stick with the first one.

 Now who will be the next Bachelor? Arie? Doug? HOT ASS SEAN? Chris Harrison? Can they let Brad Womack back for round three? We'll see in January I guess. Until then, we have Bachelor Pad and Jef's twitter to keep us entertained.

PLEASE. 

The Men Tell All Ordeal: Bachelorette Problems

  Before I start this post, I must share this with all of you: (note the instagram filter and teenage girl kissy face)

Jef tweets: "Driving my buddy back to the airport...he got deported today."

The Men Tell All. Where all of our favorite and least favorite contestants get together in a small studio space in LA, bitch about Emily and the heartache that they basically set themselves up for. BECAUSE IT IS A TELEVISION SHOW. There were so many great moments from last night's episode. Let's remember some of them...shall we?

1. Chris Harrison's inability to say "finale" in a a normal- unpretentious manner- ie: Fin-AH-lee

2. Kalon's generously applied lip gloss

3. Psycho Chris' rage face when Ryan out-douched him and called him a whiny baby

4. Alessandro wearing jeans...as if to say "This is a compromise for nice slacks and a button-down".

5. Tony running up to Emily to give her an ass-out hug and being the only one to do so. 

6. Sean got a tan and botox to minimize the army of sweat glands that took residence in his face. 

7. The transformation of Ryan's D-bag beard- please refer to the progression of images and descriptions provided below. 

 Here we see Ryan without any facial hair. He kinda looks like a decent guy if he learned to comb/flatten the top of his hair. But then again, he may believe that Emily may still love him, but not love ON him as much with a new 'do.

"Bitch stole my look!"

Now Ryan is starting to look like the game-maker from the Hunger Games...in a not good way. Also, I'm pretty sure tank tops like that only look good on Bruce Willis. And only if it's Bruce Willis as Corbin Dallas in the Fifth Element. Was that too many references for you all? GET ON MY LEVEL. 

Multi-pass

Ryan's beard is now entering potentially dangerous Joaquin Phoenix territory.

"How can she be so obtuse?"

  8. Devon has pointed out how Jef With One F resembles Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. Is it the hair? Yes. Yes it is the hair. The only exception with this connection is that Andy Dufrense helped convicts learn to read and do their taxes...and JWOF is still on reading level 3 and has to help Emily floss her huge horse teeth. But my main concern for next week is what will happen if Emily picks Ari over Jef, age 12 and 3/4?


9. Emily calling Kalon out for being a total ass-face and having an incredibly poor sense of humor. "I'm incredibly flattered that you follow me on twitter, but you still have Chiclet teeth and your daughter should have been named Samsonite". 

10. The Bachelor Pad promos. Chris gets with three emotionally distraught women who will hopefully cause everyone to contract some type of venereal disease and go home. This way, Chris Harrison can run off with those two blonde twins and start his own show where he will skeet shoot all of the framed pictures of past contenders with a rifle he fondly named "Courtney". 

Next week the finAHlee is on SUNDAY. NOT MONDAY. The television gods have saved my birthday and rid it of all ABC evil and instead pushed it to the night before. THANK GOD. But now I have to DVR two things at once. #marnieproblems

ps- I'm now following Baby Jef on twitter. @jefholm get at me @shesarangasir

Final Three Problems: The Bachelorette

   Aside from hometown dates, the final three is my favorite. This episode kicks off with an overview of Emily and her "journey through this experience" (It's a television show... admit it). This means that we, as viewers, get to enjoy (ONCE AGAIN) some awksauce HOT ASS SEAN smiling and wiping the sweat from his squinty eyes, Arie assaulting Emily's entire face with his mouth, and Jef learning to read and express emotion through puppetry. This of course is also the episode where the "Fantasy Suite" card can get played, so everyone's hoping for some action.

HOT ASS SEAN's Date

She is bat-shit crazy if she doesn't get all up in this.

      I noticed if you look at pictures of Sean from each episode since el numero uno, his face becomes redder, sweatier, and squinty...while his abs remain comparable with those of Greek Gods. H-A-S is at this point, my favorite contestant. He flubs a little when mentioning his three year-long relationship with another woman/his mirror and claiming how in love he was, while Ems squirms and makes that face that says "Start paying attention to me and my obviously fake boobs or I'll go find Arie and suck his face off". The date gets slightly less awkward as the two frolic in the ocean, even though Sean has to get out and reapply his SPF 100+ sunscreen every 20 minutes.
       The evening part of the date gets incredibly sappy, per usual, and Sean reads a letter he wrote to Ricki that is supposed to make Emily jump his bones, skipping the invitation to the Fantasy Suite all together. Emily offers the key to H-A-S, but they decide to just "hang out all night" instead of getting buck wild. Whatever. Emily states that she doesn't need three more hours to figure out how she feels, and I breathe a sigh of relief thinking my boy is in the clear, even though he didn't get any ass.


BABY'S DAY OUT
     Jef With One F must have been so psyched to get out on a boogie board and collect crabs on the beach! Oh wait... he has to hang out with West Virginia Barbie too. His hair, I must admit, is fascinating. Such body, such a quaffed quality that Arie is so obviously trying to imitate. JWOF and WV Barbs cuddle and snuggle and have serious discussions, all led by Jef. His guidance counselor must have suggested that he practice his critical thinking before the fall PSATs, so he shot Emily some important questions about her relationship with previous men, Ricki, and her stance on Team Edward or Jacob.

"I'll spin dis bitch a plate...bitches love plates".

     What caught my attention the most from this date, was how Jef so blatantly stated that he has to like Ricki in order for him and Barbs to go get their Anywhere-in-the-USA-to-start-a-new-life-together-even-if-it's-in-the-middle-of-Death-Valley-and-all-we-have-is-each other- and-a-few-sisterwives Dream House. So basically Jef's all: "If I like, don't like Ricki, like, she's a total dick or something, I don't think this whole thing can like, happen". Wise words from the child bride.
    The evening part of the date had me sitting on the edge of my seat when Emily asked the kid to the Fantasy Suite and he actually acknowledged that THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW AND PEOPLE WILL SEE WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO IN THAT FANTASY SUITE. So he takes the sensible choice and he and Emily "hang out" for the night instead of swiping his V-card. Two things can be assumed by his choice... 1) He's only 16 and the age of consent in Curacao is unclear to both him and the ABC producers who promised him an Xbox to be on the show, so they can't take any chances. 2) Jef With One F may actually have two F's in his first name, and the truth would hurt Emily too much during this time of extreme vulnerability...oh and he's gaga for sausage.

ARIE AND HIS HUGE HANDS/FEET

No. Just...no. 

    Oh, Arie. Your large salad bowl hands and baby sea-lion feet have officially skeeved me out beyond belief. I know what they say about big feet and hands but I don't think Emily needs to deal with ordering you specialty size shoes on Zappos into your old age, or the huge ego that must come with such endowments. All Meaghan and I could notice during your date was Arie's talons hooked into the netting of the boat after swimming/annoying the dolphins. Apparently Emily believes that Arie's lack of fear around sea mammals means he'll be a good Dad to her exploited child. Nothing says good potential parenting like the ability to telekinetically communicate with Flipper.
     These two are in the perfect environment because they are surrounded by aquatic life and Arie loves to mack on Emily, fish face style, to the point where she is so overcome with his "hotness" that she can't even offer him the key to the Fantasy Suite because she will lose her mind and do some sick and twisted Fifty Shades of Grey shit.

THE ROSE

Yep...this face.

      I am sad to say this is the moment where I exclaim to my family and friends that this is the most nervous I have been in a while. realizing what I have just said, I eat a Hershey bar and get a grip on reality as Emily watches "private, personal" videos made by the men...that are being nationally televised and were scripted/edited the shit out of. She has no emotion, unless a hybrid look of constipation and confusion is supposed to tell us anything about the situation at hand. I get increasingly anxious of the fate of H-A-S and JWOF (as much as I make fun of him, he is quite adorable) and pray to the Network television gods that Arie and his Yao Ming hands are the next to crawl into the big black SUV and ugly cry all the way back to Scottsdale and his Von-Bitch mother.
     Baby Jef gets the first rose... the music escalates...the men look nervous, Sean is obviously sweating, and Arie's skin is making a familiar transformation back to the pigment of lemon... I try to squeal but no sound comes out... only horror and heartbreak when poor HOT ASS SEAN gets sent home and Holland-death-grip-on-Boats, Arie smugly receives the final rose.
    I can't make fun of Sean and Emily's post-rose chat before he gets into the infamous black SUV. It was very sad and you could tell he really loved her...and she kinda loved him- but obviously loved the fact that Jef is a potential play date/step-dad for Ricki and the possibility of Arie having a Kielbasa hidden in his chinos the other men more.

    Chris Harrison realizes how stupid his job is and looks into Dancing With The Stars to confirm the fatality of his career after this season.

    The Men Tell All is next week and all I can really hope from this episode is some much anticipated Tony-Doug Daddy bonding time and Kalon repeatedly applying chap stick as DJ Stevie tries to teach everyone how to Dougie.

Hometown Date Problems: The Bachelorette

Good news, everyone! Emily and the men have returned to Amurrica! Bad news, everyone! We have to sit through Emily "feeling intimidated" by Jef With One F's sisterwives, Arie's sequin-studded-bra-strap-wearing mother, Chris' violent head movements and Sean trying to sneak his tongue into and/or around Emily's porcelain-veneered mouth- It's like she's wearing a friggin' flipper...this isn't Toddlers and Tiaras, Emmy poo.

"On a scale from zero to Polish, I'm batshit crazy"

Chicago: 

Let's see how many things the production crew can find that say CHICAGO on them and pan to those as Chris stands behind Emily while sweating profusely and breathing heavily. His neck practically unhinges itself as he professes his love to her AGAIN and shows her some rando Polish restaurant that conveniently is empty. Is it me or are they always drinking really diluted wines and not eating on this show... like, ever. Of all the places to eat in Chicago, you take her to an empty Polish restaurant and don't even order pierogies...

Let's cheers to meeting my family, who is Polish, if I didn't make that apparent, and getting hammered before doing so. 

Utah: 

Deuces to all my LDS brothers and sisters

Jef With One F has brought Emily to the compound family ranch. Jef With One F's letter-neglecting parents unfortunately are off doing "charity work" and can't meet Emily at this time- but his brother and his wife, and his other-other wife, and his other-other-other wife and their baseball team of children are there to judge Emily after she casually shoots some clay pigeons before meeting a family that toasts with lemonade. TOASTS WITH LEMONADE. Are we getting it? Please also note how none of 

J-W-O-F's (abreevs are great) sisters wore tops that showed their shoulders or clavicles, while Emily looked down right whore-ish in her knee-revealing sundress with spaghetti straps. 

Jef With One F thinks Emily looks hot with a gun...is she still that hot when she takes her teeth out at night? Who knows. 

Emily is obviously losing her mind over J-W-O-F and his Jimmy Neutron hairdo and he wrote a really cute note thing for her that didn't have any mentions of nail polish or Chloe bags- leaving this viewer to remain confused about his sexuality. 

He must have been so excited to be able to take Em out in that dune buggy thing- just got his permit!

Arizona:

"If you don't speak Dutch, then fuck you"

Arie's face no longer shows signs of yellow pigment but his hands are still the size of frying pans. So funny thing about Arie is...his dad is this like, super famous Indy racer from Holland and is super loaded and it also turns out, Ricki's father's family owns one of the largest racing companies in the world or something and they have buttloads of money that they are dishing out to Emily, but they aren't to happy with her right now because she's running around the world sucking face with another race car driving legacy. Looks like Emmy's got a type... fast and loaded. Did Arie's mom give anyone else the heebie jeebies? Her frock kept falling off her shoulder as she was shit-talking in Dutch (right in front of Emily) and you could blatantly see her tan-sequined bra trying to make an escape from that heinous turquoise top she found in the juniors section of the Scottsdale Macys. 

Texas: 

We FINALLY get to HOT ASS SEAN and his Texas McMansion. It's his parent's house but it's still huge and has a freaking fairytale-tea garden-dream house in the back for his pretentiously named niece, Kensington (and her equally pretentiously named brother, Smith). I was personally excited when Sean revealed that he still lived at home and was going to show Emily his room. "This is my Cheryl Tiegs poster...". But it was SO much better. The naming of the stuffed animals had me basically ready to punch a baby because H-A-S (abreevs again!) was severely making me doubt his hotness as the camera panned over the cookie crumbs and dirty socks that had exploded in this room. A sigh of relief followed when Sean revealed it was all a joke and he didn't live at home. Emily was all "LOL smiley face there's stuffies all over, you're just like Ricki, holy freaking crap get me out of here before this fake smiling breaks a veneer". And then of course Sean does some more lustful running after Emily per usual and goes in for one last kiss-WITH TONGUE- to seal the deal, #classy. 

"I still live at home"..."I still think you're a beefcake"

Rose Ceremony: 

Arie is upper-lip sweating more than normal and Chris is ready to jump off a cliff. Sean is sunburnt? No, his hair just makes him look more red than normal (still hot though), while solamente efe Jef buzzes the sides of his head some more to get a crop circle effect that the chicks at Urban Outfitters find really trendy. Emily has big Texas hair tonight - I sensed a Bump-it?- while Chris Harrison is straightening up the framed pictures of the dudes, because that's all he's good for on the show these days. Emily talks for a while about how hard it is for her to make this decision and how bad she will feel about the family she met that will now obviously loathe her entirely. Woody makes a prediction which he shares with me, my mom, and Devon "I know who's going home... I feel it in my heart, I know who it has to be", that's deep, Dad. When Emily says Sean's name and Chris contemplates drowning himself in the Chateau fountain, we all scream with joy because the Woodman's heart was right and #psychokiller Chris is outta here- but not without being a total bitch to Emily and trying so hard not to ugly cry. I expected the ugly cry the second the door to the limo was shut, or slammed, but Chris held it together...until he started going off at the camera and praying for a Freaky Friday switch with one of the remaining victims men. 

So now we have a quandary. HOT ASS SEAN, Jef With One F, and Less Attractive John Travolta/Zach Braff are the remaining lovers (I'm incredibly disgusted I used that word... I only really condone it's usage when between the words "meat" and "pizza") In true Bachelorette fashion, these gents get to go to some Caribbean Island I have never heard of. Have fun in paradise boys, one of you is going home but all three of you are definitely getting some ass... depending on if Emily brings back the donkeys from the Croatian Highland games.